Adolescent Sexuality Today with Karen Rayne, Ph.D.

www.karenrayne.com

2007-11-13T06:07:00.001-06:00

I am delighted to announce that I have a new URL! All of my posts and your insightful comments have been moved to: www.karenrayne.com.

Please come visit me at www.karenrayne.com, where we will continue to talk about adolescent sexuality in new and exciting ways!

If you are reading this by RSS feed (or would like to!), please sign up for the new RSS feed.

If you are reading this by e-mail, I will sign you up to receive e-mails from the new site. If you would like to start receiving my posts by e-mail, sign up here!

Barbie can grow breasts

2007-11-12T06:27:00.000-06:00

Late last night my dear partner (you remember, the city planner?) asked if I remembered the doll called something like Betsy Busty - the doll whose arm you twisted and her breasts grew. I admit, I jeered at him. But since we have a fast Internet connection, he was able to prove his point before I had even gotten a good laugh up and running. I give you: Growing Up Skipper and Growing Up Ginger.
You can kind of see the instructions on the Ginger box, but here's the easier-to-read version: twist Skipper's or Ginger's left arm, and her breasts grow larger and she gets taller (her waist lengthens). Apparently there was some controversy at the time (1975), but Skipper still went into production. Then later came Ginger.

I am, I admit, rather stunned by the outrageousness of this. The body image issues. The inappropriate puberty expectations. The bizarre plastic torso. I could go on.

Did you have a Growing Up Skipper/Ginger doll when you were a child? If you didn't, you probably did have some toy that you would never buy your child - as times change, so do our perception of the appropriateness of toys. So what toy(s) did you have that would be considered inappropriate by today's standards, either for safety or body image or some other reason?

Tyra Banks has a vulva puppet!

2007-11-09T05:48:00.001-06:00

This is too good, folks. A great educational clip to send to your teenage boys and girls to inform them all about what a girl's vulva looks like.

How old were you, female readers, when you finally realized you didn't pee out of your vagina?

Happy Friday and weekend watching!

Thanks to the folks at the Voices of American Sexuality blog for the head's-up about this video!

Condom Fashion

2007-11-08T07:02:00.000-06:00

You’ve gotta love this. Talk about taking wearing a condom to a whole new level!

These are all images taken during a fashion show at the Fourth Annual China Reproductive Health New Technologies & Products Expo. It was, rather unimaginatively, sponsored by Guilin Latex Factory, China’s largest condom manufacturer. But honestly, I can forgive a large amount of crass mass marketing when it results in wedding dresses made out of condoms.

Send some of these pictures to your teenager - and get started talking about how wearing a condom is both practical and stylish! :)

How not to talk to kids about sex...

2007-11-07T06:16:00.000-06:00

For Better Or For Worse is a great comic strip. The author, Lynn Johnston, is in partial retirement, so some of the strips that are running now are from the early years of the strip. This is one of those early strips (it also ran yesterday).

What a lovely image of how not to talk with kids about sex! You always need to find out just what they're asking before you start answering - and then do so in as simple terms as possible!

Teenagers and sleep patterns

2007-11-06T06:56:00.000-06:00

Teen brain development and patterns are such that many teenagers just aren't able to fall asleep before 11pm or midnight. This all comes down to brain chemistry and when those chemicals are released during a typical day.

So late sleep times, combined with typical high school start times as early as 7:30, means that most teenagers just aren't getting enough sleep. That has all sorts of negative effects on memory, physical development, decision making, and other important things. But most of these things just don't have a big impact on a teenager's decision to try to go to bed earlier.

Finally, here is some research that might actually impact your teenagers to try to go to bed earlier.

It's been clear for a couple of years that adults who get less sleep tend to have higher Body Mass Indexes (BMI), but now it also appears that children who get less sleep in the 3rd and 6th grades are likely to have a higher BMI in 6th grade. Since this finding has held true on both ends of adolescence, my smart money is on it being true in adolescence as well.

But either way, most teenagers legitimately have a hard time going to sleep at a decent hour because of their brain chemistry. Don't be too hard on them because of it - they're probably already feeling the pain of not enough sleep without anyone else pointing it out.

Free cell phones for students?

2007-11-05T05:55:00.000-06:00

New York City is apparently considering giving free cell phones to all students. And then rewarding them with free minutes for high grades/test scores/etc. The ban on cell phones in the schools would continue - these cell phones wouldn't even work during school hours.

I have to admit, this seems like an incredibly poorly conceived plan. Maybe I haven't heard all the details (certainly a possibility), and they actually do have everything well thought-out. But here are some of my questions:

Paying students (with cell phone minutes) for good grades? Really? I could go on at some length here, but I'll leave it at that until another day.
Part of the reason they're thinking about this is because parents are in an up-roar about the cell phone ban - in case of another 9/11 type emergency during school hours. How will this address that problem? The cell phones won't even work during school hours.
Giving one cell phone manufacturer and one cell phone carrier access to all of the students in the NYC schools is rather like giving Coke exclusive access. It's an amazing deal for the company in terms of life-long customer-building, but a bad habit-forming gig for the schools to be taking part of, both in terms of the school's inflow of money and the students' development.
What about the students with poor grades? Would they get any free minutes, or would they just have a useless piece of plastic to take care of?
Who is responsible if the cell phone is lost or broken, as I guarantee they will be? Are the students required to maintain it? Is the school going to fix and replace the phones?
I could go on. But I won't.

The up-sides (and what are those again?) just don't seem to balance out all of these issues.

But now that I've slammed the idea at some length, what do you think? Please be honest! I'd be interested if anyone thinks it's a good idea, and to hear why.

Guide To Getting It On

2007-11-02T05:16:00.000-06:00

The fifth edition of Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides recently came out. Now, I haven't seen previous versions of the Guide, so I can't speak to them, but this one is almost perfect. It is incredibly comprehensive and non-judgmental, with good information and advice for almost every situation. All of this, plus it is easy to read and understand. I think it is an ideal book for all young adults to have on their shelves, as well as sexually active teenagers.

The two chapters on having sex for the first time (Losing Your Virginity and The First Time - Not What You'd Think) are spot-on. The Guide encourages a thoughtful, planned approach to the event and relatively low expectations - focusing on enjoying the first time while recognizing that it gets better with time. This chapter also encourages young people to wait, and directs them to a whole range of activities in other parts of the book that can offer intimacy without penile-vaginal intercourse.

The only chapter where I really disagree or have issues with the book is the one on how to talk to kids about sex (Explaining Sex to Kids). I like that the chapter encourages parents to be open, honest, and non-judgmental with their kids. Particularly good is that it directs parents to ask questions about their children's sexuality and sexual experiences rather than talk to them (i.e., lecture them). However, it also directs parents to give far too much information to young children. When children under age 9 or so ask questions about bodies and sexuality, they are not asking for an adult discussion of pleasure or relationships. They need a different kind of answer directed at their understanding of bodies and sexuality. The Guide does not seem to recognize that pedagogical difference, which I find disappointing.

So, if what you're looking for is a book on sexuality, not on parenting, Guide To Getting It On is a fabulous choice. This is a great graduation present for your favorite 18-year-old getting ready to leave for college.

Even better yet, give it to your teenager who has started to have sex or is about to have start having sex. You may feel that the gift implies your approval of their being sexual, which you don't necessarily feel. However, that is a small price to pay for the information the Guide will provide about good sex - safety-wise, relationship-wise, and pleasure-wise. And while you may disagree with your teenager having sex, you must come to grips with the bigger issue that they need real information, and they need it immediately. The Guide will provide real, useful information for them much more effectively than their sexual partner or their friends.

Teenagers make everything more fun

2007-11-01T05:40:00.001-06:00

Last night, we threw a huge Halloween party. This was for the kids - the average kiddo age was around 6 or 7, and there were close to 65 of them here. There was a potluck, bobbing for apples, a witch with a withchy brew, and stories around the campfire, among many other things. Good, old-fashioned fun for all ages.

Unless, some might say, you're a teenager.

But we did have two teenagers come. And they were absolutely a delight, and in many ways the favorites of the little ones. One came under duress and one by choice.

The young woman was grounded, which means in her family that she has to work. So she came with her three little sisters and did my bidding and her mother's bidding. I had her run the apple-bobbing. The kids flocked to her, and the apple-bobbing was more popular than it's ever been before. Some kids went back again and again, drawn to this young woman far more than the apples or wet hair that is intrinsic to apple bobbing.

The young man is someone I've known since he was little. We say hi now, but haven't really connected in a couple of years. I saw him in the school parking lot on Monday, and asked on a whim if he'd like to come to the party and play a scarecrow for little kids. I think he liked the idea of giving back to kids the magic of his childhood Halloween parties. The children may have been a little bit stand-offish at first, probably because of his costume, but he quickly became the favorite "adult."

In addition to the children, many of the parents and grandparents at the party took the time to come to me and mention what delights both of these young people were. I encouraged them to tell the teenagers that themselves, but I'm not sure if any did.

Teenagers add an incredible depth for both children and adults. The potential energy and authenticity they bring to a party or other gathering, is just phenomenal. But they have to buy in to the process and the event. So when you're planning an event, invite a teenager and his or her friends. They'll probably feel better knowing that they'll know someone there. (As we all do when we're going to a party with mostly new people.) Ask what they'd like to do or eat or whatever, so they can feel welcome and part of the process.

You'll gain tremendous benefits by including teenagers in your events, I promise.

What to do About Sexy Halloween Costumes

2007-10-31T05:17:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed over the past few years that sexy Halloween costumes are becoming more and more popular with younger and younger girls. Do a Google search for sexy Halloween costume and you get close to 2 million hits - and that's with the safe search on! And yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. This is from a Washington Post article from yesterday:

Gabby Cirenza wanted to be a referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked had a micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides. She looked admiringly at the thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory. And she thought the little bunny on the chest was cute.
"Absolutely not," said her mother, Cheryl. "That is so not happening."
Gabby is 11.
........
Gabby eyed the Sexy Super Girl but decided against it. A friend at her Catholic school had worn that costume for a Halloween parade and pulled the already short miniskirt way up to cover her tummy. "That didn't look very good." But Gabby did like the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits a child of 8.
No.
How about the Funky Punk Pirate Pre-Teen, with an off-the-shoulder blouse and bare midriff?
No.

So what, as a parent, to do about this trend? It depends, as does everything really, on your daughter. How old is she?

An 8 year old or an 11 year old you say no to. More to the point, you scout out the stores ahead of time, and only take them places that are selling costumes you would allow them to wear. Why even have that argument when you can avoid it completely?

But what about the older girls, who already know what they want to be for Halloween: sexy! Well, here are a couple of ideas.

Try making her costume yourself - at least you can make the hem line fall to within sight of her knee and the top large enough for a bra to fit under.
Have your daughter make her own costume. The costume patterns you can buy at fabric stores cover far more skin than the pre-made costumes you can buy in most stores.
Try to get your daughter involved with organizing or facilitating a Halloween party for younger children. (Halloween, after all, is really more for children.)
Maybe there are some neighborhood kids or younger family members she can walk around with for the night. That way, she can get the Trick-or-Treat candy, and potentially get paid for babysitting as well! (And aren't you willing to spend a few bucks to keep her in a child-appropriate costume?)

But mostly, I would suggest that if she really, really wants a sexy Halloween costume, you should sit with her, away from the stores and craziness, and ask her why. What does she see as the benefits of the sexy Halloween costume? (Be sure to use the word "sexy." Nothing makes something less appealing quicker than a parent calling it "sexy.")

As with all conversations like this, you need to give her lots of time to talk. If she's not saying anything to answer your question, just keep quiet and keep looking at her. Eventually, she'll start talking out of embarrassment. (Just be sure it isn't you who ends up talking out of embarrassment!) Then really listen to what she says and be open to seeing her point of view, rather than making her see yours. Try to get under her skin and feel what she feels about this sometimes very emotional topic. See if you can find out what it is that she's hoping to get with a sexy costume.

After you've listened and really felt and understood her point of view, start using your imagination. Hopefully the two of you will be able to find a mutually agreed upon Halloween costume that you can both live with.

Be clear - this is not necessarily a solution that you like. But it's one you can live with.

What are your experiences with your children and Halloween costumes? Do they want sexy ones? How have you dealt with that?

Very Early Marriage

2007-10-30T05:31:00.000-06:00

I happen to live with a city planner. Among other things, this means that my professional books (Reviving Ophelia, Reaching Up For Manhood, You Look Too Young to be a Mom) are interspersed with his professional books (Toward the Livable City and An Ecological History of Agriculture, 10,000 B.C. - A.D. 10,000). Fascinating stuff, all around, isn't it?

A few days ago, I was idly flipping through one of his books, and found something that was surprisingly interesting and relevant to this blog. The book is called The Preindustrial City: Past and Present, by Gideon Sjoberg, and the version that we have was printed in 1960. The version on Amazon was printed in 1965.

Here is what struck me as interesting:

This early matrimony, of course, obviates any "youth culture" - such a conspicuous part of the industrial-urban scene, where the rapid social change brings about a hiatus in the outlook of contiguous generations.

So Mr. Sjoberg is suggesting that there is a correlation between later marriage and intergenerational conflict. When young people are given time between childhood (pre-puberty) and adulthood (i.e., marriage) is when they formulate ideas and values that are in conflict with their parents' ideas and values. Very interesting!

I have been hearing whispers here and there from the extremes of the abstinence-only movement and the more extreme Muslim movements that it might be a good idea to return to marriages at the time of puberty to prevent out-of-wedlock sexual behaviors. While I don't think that many people would agree with that sentiment, it would certainly go far in preventing adolescent extra-marital sexual behaviors.

What these relative extremists are accepting is what many of the main-line members of these organizations and much of adult American society rejects: the notion that teenagers want to have sex, and will generally find a way to do so. Given the existence of adolescent sexuality as a baseline, the early-marriage proponents are simply looking to find a way to make it acceptable. That is, having it occur within the context of marriage.

But that's just not a good solution. The issues of power and gender inherent in early, arranged marriages are huge, and not worth the pay-off (of no extra-marital sex).

This reality of adolescent sexuality can only be appropriately addressed once everyone, including parents, accepts the reality that teenagers, even their children, are sexual beings, and that most of them will act on those sexual desires before they turn 20.

The solution is to stop ignoring adolescent sexuality and to start teaching them to make good choices about their sexuality.

If you're looking for someone to teach your teenager about sexuality, or to guide you in teaching your teenager about sexuality, e-mail me. Sexuality education isn't something that should be left to chance or to the schools. Parents and families need to take ownership of it.

The Legality of Underage Sex

2007-10-29T05:17:00.000-06:00

As I was leaving on Friday, I wrote briskly about Genarlow Wilson and the illegality of teenagers having sex with teenagers. I want to address the second issue more completely now.

We legalize so much of human action. Now don't get me wrong, I am no libertarian. I do not want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. At least some of those legal opinions are good and justified.

However, far too much of telling this person or that person what they can or cannot do is about our personal, intimate, sexual lives. And even more of it targets the choices and actions of young people. And then, to top it all off, there are the legal opinions about the personal, intimate, sexual lives of young people.

So tell me again why it is illegal for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other? What on earth is the justification for that? I have to admit, I just don't get it.

The only thing I can think is that it comes from a moralizing, religious perspective that infantilizes teenagers and dictates a moral code that puts marriage and marital sex on an unwarranted pedestal. I think both of those positions are poorly thought through and damaging to young people's healthy, long-term sexual development.

Please take note, this is not to say that I think it is necessarily a good choice for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other. I'm just saying a poor sexual choice by a young person should not be illegal. And the fact that old, white, male elected officials think they should know about and control young people's sexual choices puts a bad taste in my mouth. Honestly, that sounds much closer to something that should be illegal (like pedophilia) than young people lusting after each other.

Teenagers having sex is really a family and a community issue. And it's something that, I'll be honest, I think is a critical developmental milestone. We are trying to help our young people prepare for adulthood. And part of adulthood is having responsible sex. So teenagers need to prepare for having responsible sex. Sometimes that means they will need information. Sometimes that means they'll have sex. But making that learning process illegal (teenage sexuality laws) or unavailable (abstinence-only-until-marriage education) are serious issues, and could have lingering negative influences for the young people's remaining sexual lives.

Genarlow Wilson and Underage Sex

2007-10-26T14:31:00.000-06:00

I have written about Genarlow Wilson before. He's the young Georgia man who was sentenced to 10 years without parole for having consensual oral sex at age 17 with a 15 year old. The Wikipedia page on Wilson tells his story in its entirety. Before I enumerate and lambaste the issues in this case, I want to make very clear that I am so pleased that the Georgia Supreme Court today announced that this sentence was cruel and unusual. Wilson is expected to be released from prison today. Consensual sex between young people should not be a crime.

Nevertheless, today I am outraged.

First, there appear to be outstanding issues about Wilson's interactions with an unconscious 17 year old girl at the same party. The same video that was used to convict Wilson for having consensual oral sex with the 15 year old shows Wilson having sexual intercourse with an unconscious 17 year old. But I talked all about that back in June.

The real issue from today is this change in the law that Wilson has benefited from. The change means that the conviction of sex between minors is no longer a felony, but is now a misdemeanor.

Outrageous! Sex between minors has no business being a crime! Teenagers have sex. It should not be a crime. Our society is so over-the-top concerned with teenagers and sex, so over-sexualizing and yet so concerned with controlling their sexual choices. I am so exhausted by all of this! What on earth business does the George Supreme Court have telling 15, 16, and 17 year olds that they can't have sex? That's private business.

Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman

2007-10-26T05:42:00.001-06:00

Good morning, folks, and TGIF! I'm all worn out from the week, so I'll let Mr. Scott and Mr. Borgman do the heavy-lifting for me.

Yesterday's Zits strip (8/25/07) was a great example of a parent sharing too much personal information - and a legitimate response from their teenager. While in this example is about body hair, the same thing applies for sex and sexuality. Let's just put it this way: teenagers generally think their parent's intimate body hair and sexual engagements are about equal amounts of gross.

Sistas on the Rise

2007-10-25T05:23:00.000-06:00

This is a fabulous organization: Sistas on the Rise. Here is what they say about themselves:

Sistas on the Rise is a space for young women of color ages 13-21, to take ownership and power over their lives and create a healthy community. We acknowledge that young women of color need a safe space to develop their leadership skills, socio-political analysis and organize without being marginalized. We realize that many young women who became pregnant drop-out of existing youth programs because they do not receive the support necessary for their continued participation.

One of our goals is to build sisterhood among young women who have children and those who do not. Sistas on the Rise is a space where young mothers and women of color raise consciousness, build sisterhood and take action for social change.

We provide workshops, activities and trips that develop leadership skills and teach our young women to be critical and active members in the community.

How can you get a better organization than that? I am so pleased that teenagers and young adults are coming together and taking responsibility for themselves and integrating themselves into the community. Because it seems like such a far-off day when most adults are able to take that first step towards truly intergenerational acceptance, I am glad to see that young women are engaging.

I wonder if there are other branches of this organization outside of NYC?

What other organizations do you know of that are run primarily by young women for young women?

Boys and masturbation - follow-up

2007-10-24T05:55:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago I wrote about what boys need to know about masturbation. One reader took exception to my statement that: "Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some." Here is what he had to say:

I want to commend you for writing such an affirming piece about young men and the practice of masturbation. Our own medical community had warned that masturbation was unhealthy until the Twentieth century. There remains a stigma in our culture about masturbation today. There needs to be more information such as your entry giving an affirming message about masturbation.

Having said that I want to respectfully disagree with your recommendation of lotion for masturbation. Lotion is made to make dry skin feel moisturized. Lotion is not intended as a lubricant. Some lotions have alcohol and some of them have a very high alcohol content. Some lotions are scented and the scent left after a masturbation session may not be a scent that the user wants to linger after the session.

There are many materials that are suitable lubricants for men to use to enhance masturbating. I'll start with mentioning the basic Astroglide water based lubricant. Astroglide also has warming and other options but those options are not necessary. The basic Astroglide liquid can be found at Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

There is a KY Liquid product that is as the name suggests a liquid that provides a water based lubricant that gives good results. The KY Liquid can often be found at stores such as Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

Target stores have a Target brand that is a water based lubricant. A consumer should look for the liquid. There is a gel in a tube but that gel is not nearly the lubricant that the liquid is.

Thanks for the clarification, and the information about resources!

Intergenerational communities

2007-10-23T05:45:00.000-06:00

I have just begun to volunteer with my church's youth group (high school age). We're a new-ish church, and the youth group is quite small - only three kids, really, and they aren't terribly close. So we're trying to engage new youth, to do community-forming activities, and to draw the youth and the adult members of the church closer.

This weekend, I was on a retreat with the women of the church. We got to talking about the youth, and the women of the church expressed how much they wanted the youth group to grow and to engage with the adults. I replied by saying how wonderful that would be, and started giving some ideas about how she could start that process. She seemed surprised, and countered with ideas about how the youth could start that process.

The problem here is that teenagers, including church youth, often feel ostracised by the adults around them, whether that is the intention of the adults or not. So teenagers don't tend to reach out. They can't be the ones expected to start the relationship. Adults have to be the ones. They have to prove that they want the teenagers around before teenagers are willing to take part.

So at church this Sunday, or at school, or in your neighborhood, or wherever you go where teenagers also tread, remember that you have to be the one to go up to the teenagers and start the conversation. Take that responsibility! Claim it as yours!

Then come back and let us know how it went, engaging with teenagers you don't yet know.

Images of sex on teen TV

2007-10-22T05:28:00.000-06:00

There's lots of talk about how racy or sex-filled television shows are likely to increase sexual activity among teenagers.

But the study linked above, and much of the rest of the talk on this topic, don't really talk about teenagers - they talk more about pre-teenagers, or early teens. As a teenager I didn't really have the time to spend watching television - I was much too busy engaging in life and with my friends and yes, with my boyfriends, to spend my limited hours watching someone else engage in life! But as a preteen, and as an older child, I spent plenty of hours watching television - much of it about teenagers and their social and sexual lives. (Saved By The Bell anyone?)

The point is that there is far too much talk about teenagers watching sexy television, and far too little talk about older children and preteens watching sexy television. Those earlier images are the ones that can really paint a person's permanent picture of sexuality and have serious long-term impacts on relationship skills.

What do you think? Did you watch much television in your older childhood or preteen or teenage years? How do you think it affected your sexual choices at the time or later in life?

And what about your children and teenagers? How much do you monitor their television for sexual content, and what impact do you hope that monitoring (or lack of it) will do for them?

Birth control in the schools

2007-10-19T05:07:00.000-06:00

The school board in Portland, Maine has voted to allow prescription birth control to be distributed in the Middle School Health Center without parental permission or notification. Parents will need to give permission for their children to access the Health Center Services, but will not be informed of what services they receive there. In addition to birth control, the Center provides immunizations and a number of other general health services.

Bravo to them!

From the Times article:

“It has been shown, over and over again, that this does not increase sexual activity,” said Pat Patterson, the medical director of School-Based Health Centers.
Reaction was mixed.
“This is really a violation of parents’ rights,” Peter Doyle, a Portland resident, told the committee. “If there were a constitutional challenge, you guys would be at risk of a lawsuit.”
Others argued for approval.
“Not every child is getting the guidance needed to keep them safe,” said Richard Veilleux, who said his child attends King Middle School. “This is about giving kids who are sexually active the tools that they need.”

I am so delighted to see that these adults are taking responsibility for educating our young people and working to keep them sexually healthy, even though they may not agree with the young people's sexual choices.

Too many parts of our society seem to be bent on punishing, rather than educating, young people who engage in sexual activity. Sometimes they do this through omission of facts and information and health care services, and other times they do this through lies and verbal abuse, moral and religious holier-than-thou lecturing.

Recently, Amanda Marcotte of RH Reality Check wrote a very insightful, moving piece on this very topic called "Of Sluts and Punishment." She talks about how we seem to be in this never-never land of accepting "punishment" in the form of pregnancy, STIs, and cancer, for sexual activity, or rather being a "slut." She goes on, in top from, to say:

With all this interest in sluts and the punishing of them, definitional issues are bound to arise. What exactly is a "slut?" What is "promiscuity?" Karen Malec might define a slut as someone who gets married after the end of her adolescence, but most people would have a more lenient definition of that. Is every woman who has an abortion a slut? What if she's married and has three kids already? Are you a slut if you have premarital sex at all, or just with a certain number of guys? These are not idle questions--if one is advocating the idea that sluts get punished by law, custom, or cosmic justice, it's important to know what a "slut" even is. Only some breast cancer and depression can be traced to prior sluttiness, after all. You have to have a measuring stick to determine who deserved to die of cervical cancer and whose case of HPV was just a case of bad luck.

............................

Or consider this fascinating blog entry from Debbie Schussel, where she declares lower back tattoos on women to be "tramp stamps", writing, "But, as I've written, a woman who doesn't take long to agree to repeatedly put a needle in her body, generally doesn't take long before she acquiesces to putting other things into her body." I think she's referring to the P-E-N-I-S, which brings up another question about evaluating sluttiness--we all know you get docked purity points for diversity, but what about frequency? If "other things" in the body is what measures the slut, it seems possible that a monogamous woman who has frequent sex with her husband might qualify as a slut, even if he's the only man she's ever slept with? Debbie is too busy snickering at sluts, who of course are always some other woman, to address this taxing definitional issue.

I highly recommend reading the entire piece.

So what do you think? Do you think that young people who have sex deserve some kind of cosmic or legal punishment? What about middle schoolers to receiving prescription birth control without specific parental consent? I think it is the right thing for people of any age to receive sexual health care without parental consent or notification. But I'd be interested in hearing the arguments from people who disagree with me.

Sex Ed Video Contest!

2007-10-18T04:56:00.001-06:00

A group of organizations is holding a contest for the best short video by a young person. The contest focus is: Why is sex so interesting and sex ed so boring? There are already some movies submitted to the contest. You can watch them!

Here's the text describing the contest:

Using digital video technology, tell us what your Sex Ed experience was like OR tell us how you would redesign Sex Ed for the future.

Was sex ed at your school a total drag or did you love it? If you had your choice, would you want a personal robot tutor or an online game you could play with other teens to learn about sex and its consequences?

A dynamic group of progressive organizations is hosting a digital video contest with two themes to choose from:

Theme 1. Share your sex ed experience so far. Show us how and why it sucked or rocked.

Theme 2. Redesign how sex ed should be delivered. Imagine that anything is possible.

Make a video with either theme and submit it through DoGooderTV by December 31st, 2007. First place wins a $3500 scholarship to the educational institution of your choice (or cash equivalent); second place wins $1000 cash; and third prize is your choice of a Nikon P5000, a Nintendo Wii or an iPhone. Content and creative vision will be weighed more heavily than production quality. Voting begins on January 4, 2008. Film makers must be between the ages of 15-30.

Video finalists will be featured at the Sex::Tech Conference: Focus on Youth, an Inaugural STD/HIV Prevention Conference about youth and technology, January 22 - 23, 2008 in San Fransisco, CA at SFSU's Institute for Next Generation Internet.

See the contest website for official rules and details.

Parents' sexuality

2007-10-17T05:02:00.000-06:00

I have mentioned in the past that talking with your children about your own sexuality is generally a bad idea. However, there may be times when it is warranted.

The blog Sexuality In Art recently reviewed a graphic memoir called Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel. The story is centered on Alison as a young girl, coming to grips with her own sexuality and budding homosexuality and her father's closeted homosexuality. It sounds like an astute and honest look at emerging sexuality and sexual awareness.

Alison portrays a time and a place where it may be appropriate for a parent to open up and talk in some very general terms about their sexuality. Alison appears to be grasping for that very conversation, trying to lead her father into it, however clumsily.

Looks like it might be a great read, well worth the time of anyone trying to understand a young girl, particularly one grappling with homosexuality, either personally or in her family.

A suicide

2007-10-16T05:38:00.000-06:00

On Sunday night a young man, a teenager, took his own life. He was a senior at the same school where my daughter in is Kindergarten. The outpouring of pain and love is overwhelming.

We are a relatively small community, with something like 250 families, but I did not know the young man well. Nevertheless, the reverberations of loss encompass the entire school family.

As I write, I do not know what extreme internal strife drove this young man to take his own life. Perhaps no one does.

This is a poem that is currently making it's way around our school community:

I Have Made Ready a Room

I have made ready a room
here in my heart
with walls of warmth
and windows of color
toward every side of the cosmos.

Oceans, mountains, and clouds are without,
within – loving and light:
and here I invite you to come,
dear being I love.

Lead me in what you have learned
now that you have left your body
so early in life
and become a heavenly star:
the up-rising in dying!

by Albert Stefen
(Changed slightly for this occasion)

National Suicide Crisis numbers:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Austin/Travis County Crisis number:
512-472-HELP (512-472-4357)

For more information about suicide:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Home alone or home not-alone?

2007-10-15T05:02:00.000-06:00

The parental decision of when to start leaving kids at home alone is often fraught with anxiety. Of course, in this age of cell phones, it's perhaps a bit easier, because the child will always be able to reach the parent. And most parents start by leaving their child home alone for short trips. But eventually parental anxiety wanes, and children are able to stay home alone.

But being home alone can be complicated by rising teenage sexuality. A mother told me that she had called home to check up on her teenage son and asked, "So are you alone?" And the response was, "Pretty much."

Hmmm...

Suddenly the rules are all turned upside-down. The parental anxiety skyrockets again - not, this time, because of a nameless fear, but because of the very named fear of the boyfriend/girlfriend coming over.

What were the rules you had as a teenager about staying home alone? Were you allowed to have friends over? What kinds of friends? And in retrospect, do you think that they were appropriate rules?

What kind of rules do you have for your teenager right now? How does she or he respond to them?

Squishing your waist, smoothing your face

2007-10-12T05:40:00.000-06:00

The Washington Post's technology columnist recently wrote about a new brand of camera that - you guessed it! - automatically washes away wrinkles and slims the person in the picture. Here's what he says about the process:

When they work, both can generate a photographic likeness that looks more attractive than the real you -- a SuperYou that you can post on Facebook, MySpace, Match.com or any other site.

Nice, huh?

Well, either that or completely over-the-top, feeding into the negative body image, portrayal of a PretendYou. I'm inclined to suggest the latter.

On the slimming mode, you can even choose one of three levels of slimness you would like the camera to impose on this soon-to-be tortured image.

Here's what the columnist says in the end about these cameras:

Neither of these cameras will make a regular schmo look like a supermodel. That still requires other forms of technological intervention -- cosmetics, injections, implants.

But both can cater to people's vanity at a low cost. That makes them a pretty smart business move for manufacturers. This kind of photo fakery -- I'm sorry, embellishment -- also fits in with the overall evolution of digital cameras. As easy as some photo-album programs are, people can still be intimidated by the prospect of cleaning up their shots on the computer; some would rather press a button on the camera to have that work done automatically.

So why not build cameras that know more of the editing tricks creative photographers have used on their computers? If a camera can make people look thinner and younger than their physical selves, why not have it also whiten their teeth, dye their hair and blot out their birthmarks?

You will, however, have to know when to stop upgrading your image. At some point, you'll have to meet people who know you only as a younger, slimmer, blemish-free version of yourself. They could be shocked to see how scruffy you look in real life -- unless they've been even more aggressive about polishing their own portraits.

Indeed. These camera features sound clunky and not-very-useful in the first place, kind of like a lot of words strung together into-a-meta-word. In the second place, they cater to a kind of image-oriented self-centeredness that I find appalling.

I understand if you want to look your absolute best in your pictures - who doesn't? But that's completely different from looking well...completely different in your pictures.

Banning hugs and school violence

2007-10-11T05:26:00.000-06:00

In his column a week ago, Leonard Pitts had this to say:

Sometimes -- times of pain, times of commiseration, times of affection, times of joy -- you just need to be held. So I was appalled to read this week about a school in Texas -- Fossil Hill Middle in Fort Worth -- where students are banned from hugging or even holding hands. And it turns out Fossil Hill is not the only one.
From Bend, Ore., to Oak Park, Ill., to Des Moines, Iowa, to Orlando, Fla., to, believe it or not, Cornwall, England, schools are banning hugs. Some say it's because hugging creates congestion in the halls. But there are others who say these ''PDAs'' -- public displays of affection -- are a gateway to sexual harassment.
My, my, my.
Honey, chill out
............
No one is pro-sexual harassment or, for that matter, pro-hallway congestion. But surely there are better solutions.
We're not talking about kids groping and making out. We are talking about hugs. To hug is to reach across. It is to reaffirm common humanity. That is a powerful instinct.
Now the hug joins that long list of banned things. I guess kids who need consolation, kids primed for celebration, kids who just want to know that they are not alone will henceforth have to write text messages instead.
And progress marches on.

What Mr. Pitts did not talk about was what this school ban of hugs is really based on: fear of adolescent sexuality. Hugs can be amazingly sensual, sexy things. And administrators don't want that in their hallways. But hugs are, as Mr. Pitts points out, also amazingly human.

And we must not dehumanize the school building more than it already is - with guards, metal detectors, regular locker searches, concrete yards, no windows in the classrooms. It sounds more like a prison than a school. And now we're beginning to regulate genuine, humanizing touch between the young people at these institutions.

Perhaps what we need is more hugs, not less. Perhaps we need to recognize the humanity, including the need for physical touch, that exists in young people, rather than lock them away and treat them as though they are criminals.

When Asa Coon terrorized and shot his teachers and fellow students in Cleveland yesterday, it was not because he had experienced a shared humanity, or perhaps a shared anything, with them. Rather, it was because he had experienced violence as the solution in his personal life, he was ostracized, he felt excluded and laughed at. There is, of course, no excuse for what Mr. Coon did. Nevertheless, it is critical that we pay attention to what was behind his actions so that no one else chooses to take those same actions again.

Because here's the thing: we don't need more metal detectors, as has been called for in Cleveland. We need to make sure that teachers, counselors, students, everyone will reach out to anyone in pain. A person who is that angry, that full of grief and loneliness, will always find a way through any but the most extreme safety measures. And as Mr. Pitts says elsewhere in his column:

I'm just not convinced what we gain is worth all that we lose.

Teenage circumcision

2007-10-10T05:38:00.000-06:00

So I was blithely searching the Internet when I came across this surprising topic: teenage circumcision.

I was surprised because I understand circumcision to be a useless operation that causes a lot of pain for absolutely no gain. No, it's nowhere near as bad as female genital mutilation. But there just doesn't seem to be much point to it. So why, I wonder, would a teenager get circumcised?

Well, there's no real comprehensive sources of information about teenage circumcision out there. I'm not too surprised about this. Most sites on infant circumcision have a strong message to send about circumcision being either good or bad. The sites with information on adolescent circumcision seemed similarly opinionated. However, most of the sites I found on a google search were message boards, with teenage boys asking questions about teenage circumcision. Mostly they seemed interested in circumcision because their girlfriends were interested in them being circumcised.

So what's important enough to teenage boys to entice them to get circumcised?

Of course. Getting laid.

I have to admit, I'm pretty horrified that teenage boys are out there getting circumcised because their girlfriends have some misconstrued idea about what a penis should or should not look like. This is every bit as outrageous as teenage boys dictating unnatural beauty in teenage girls (rail thin, gigantic breasts).

I would like to hope that we can teach teenage girls to appreciate both circumcised and natural penises. I would like to think that we can teach teenage boys to appreciate real women's body shapes.

However, both of these perspectives need to begin being taught at a younger age than teenage. Pictures of beautiful women need to include all shapes and sizes. Pictures of beautiful naked men need to include cut and uncut penises. I honestly don't understand why this seems so impossible for our society.

What are your thoughts/reactions/questions on adolescent circumcision?

Dove Video - Onslaught

2007-10-09T05:45:00.001-06:00

This is an intense video, but really gets it's point across in a very visceral way.

Do you think it detracts from the video and the point it gets across that it's made by Dove? (Dove, according to a rumor at least, sells skin bleach in India.)

This American Life Episode 341: How to Talk to Kids

2007-10-08T05:44:00.000-06:00

This weekend's edition of This American Life is a must-listen for anyone with kids or teenagers or anyone who ever interacts with kids or teenagers. Here's what they talk about:

A raunchy comedian gets booked on a tour...of kids' sleep-away camps. A middle-aged woman grapples with right and wrong in talking to her teenage daughter about her sexuality. Plus, other stories of adults trying to learn the language of children.

They start out talking with kids about inept adults' attempts at starting conversations. Scroll down below the picture, and there's a link for a free download of the episode.

Go take a listen, and then come back and let us know what you think - good and bad - in the comments.

National Family Sexuality Education - Let's Talk! - Month

2007-10-05T05:26:00.000-06:00

October has been designated THE month to talk about sexuality with your family. So jump on the bandwagon, folks, and be the coolest person on your block by talking about sex with your teen!

A wide range of organizations set aside the month of October, now that everyone is settled back into their school routines, as a great time to talk about whatever issues around sex or sexuality need to be addressed in your family. Maybe you've been avoiding this discussion, whether it be about homosexuality, masturbation, condoms and safe sex, how to say no to a potential sex partner, or a whole range of other issues. Well now is the time to stop putting off that discussion!

Here are a variety of sources for you to reference for help in having that conversation:

How to gut it out...A Top Ten List for Talking To Teens About...Well, you know.
Planned Parenthood's materials for parents
SIECUS's (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States) Families Are Talking project
About.com's extensive information for parents on adolescent sexuality and sex education

All of those sites could keep you busy reading for some time. But only poke around on those for a little bit - then turn off the computer and go start talking with your family!

Should I get tested?

2007-10-04T05:30:00.000-06:00

Last week a teenage girl e-mailed me with the following question:

Ive been reading your blog and can't find the answer. My mom says that I need to go to the gynecologist cuz I'm hooking up. She says I need to get tested for diseases. I don't feel sick. Is this real or is she just trying to get in my private life?

And, because as she points out I haven't given the explicit answer to that question here on my blog, here's my answer:

This is a great question.

It depends on what kind of hooking up you've been doing and what kind of protection you've been using. Just kissing and feeling each others bodies with clothes on? You're fine. When you go further, have you *always* used condoms or other STI protection? Be honest with yourself here, even if you don't want to admit it to anyone else. Because if you haven't been extremely careful you *certainly* need to get tested.

But actually, regardless of your answers to those questions, it's a good idea to get tested. That way you won't be too freaked out to get tested if you do start feeling some burning or itching down there. Plus, it's always better to know you're clean than to worry about it.

There are three important things to remember about STIs:
You *can* get diseases from oral sex (blow jobs). Here's a site where you can find out what kinds of diseases you can get from what kind of sexual activity: http://www.dph.sf.ca.us/sfcityclinic/stdbasics/stdchart.asp
You don't always feel sick with STD/STIs, and they can still be stomping around in your insides. If you wait too long they may do damage you can't fix. Also, you'd be passing them on to other people without knowing it.
Your mom doesn't have to get into your private life for you to get tested. Most places that do STD/STI testing (including Planned Parenthood) will do it for anyone over 14 without parental permission. In addition to Planned Parenthood, if there is a free city-run clinic in your town, they generally do testing for teenagers without parental permission too. Sometimes even the county will do it.
Please let me know if any of that's unclear or if you've got follow-up questions.

And here was her follow-up question:

It happened kind of fast like a surprise I guess so no condoms. Do I have to do the gyno exam? I read about it somewhere and it sounds totally gross. Thanks

And my answer:

Yep, you need to do the testing. The best website for just really straightforward information like this is www.scarleteen.com. Here's what they say is involved in the STD testing/exam:

"The clinician will do a visual examination of your genitals. S/he will be looking for evidence of sores or lesions. If you are a woman you will go through the same procedure as you would for a pelvic exam (you might want to read up on that in the Your First Gynecologist Visit article for more details). During the pelvic exam the doctor will take a small sample of cells and fluids called a smear or swab test. It is similar to a PAP smear test, except that in this case, when the technician or doctor looks at the cells through a microscope, she or he will be looking for signs of the various microorganisms, antibodies, or cell changes related to specific STIs."

It might be a bit uncomfortable, but it's not too gross. Sometimes they take urine or blood samples. And remember, you don't have to do it with your mom. Take care of yourself, and she can't complain. If she keeps getting on your case about doing it her way or whatever, ask her to e-mail me (karen.rayne@gmail.com).

If you need help finding a place to get tested in your area, let me know.

P.S. Oh, and your partner should get tested too. If you two are still hanging out, go do the testing together.

Friends With Benefits (FWB)

2007-10-03T05:25:00.000-06:00

Friends with benefits--Two good friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. (definition taken from the Urban Dictionary)

Are these kinds of relationships good or bad? Well, it depends on your perspective.

The NYTimes published an article about FWB yesterday. Although they don't make an explicit judgment call on the properness of FWB relationships, they seem to imply that it's fine as long as both people are aware of the potential downsides. According to a recent study, sex in a friendship can become a bit of an albatross: it's always there, but never spoken about. The fear in a FWB relationship is that one person will become more invested in the relationship than the other person. That someone will fall in love - or at least in more than lust - and both the friendship and the sexual relationship will be ended. The study found that 60% of Michigan State students had been involved in at least one FWB relationship.

Here's what the study says about how these relationships end:

1 out of ten became romantic relationships
3 out of ten stopped the sexual part but remained friends
2.5 out of ten stopped both the sexual and friendship part of the relationship
3.5 were still in a FWB relationship

So back to our original question: are these kinds of relationships good or bad?

Well, as a general kind of relationship they're fine. They offer a way to be sexual without the emotional distractions and inherent issues of a romantic engagement and without the safety issues involved in hook-ups or one night stands. And let's be honest: most college students are sexual. So FWB widens the options to have safe, respectful sex.

On the other side, some may argue, sex belongs in a monogamous, committed relationship. Maybe even - gasp! - only after marriage.

But that's just not how people in their 20's are having sex these days. And the critical part of our sexuality is that it feeds our soul and supports us as we learn more deeply about ourselves and those we are in relationship with. And FWB is one way to do that.

So what is your experience? Have you ever had a FWB? How did it end up? How do you perceive the relationship with the increased clarity of hindsight?

Boys and masturbation

2007-10-02T05:15:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we talked about what bits of information are important for a girl to know about masturbation. Today we'll be talk about what bits of information are important for a parent or other trusted adult to tell a boy about masturbation. Some things are the same, and some are different, but mostly there are just more things that are helpful for boys to know.

Masturbation is a private activity. (This is often more relevant for younger children and toddlers to learn.)
Masturbation normal and healthy.
Almost all boys masturbate, and particularly as teenagers, with some regularity.
Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some.
What to do with the socks or t-shirts or whatever after using them to clean up. Notably, not flush them down the toilet or throw them away.
His imagination is his best friend. Porn will only make it more difficult to transition to actual sex with a real girl. And nobody wants that.
Masturbation is a great, completely safe way to have lots of fun with a girlfriend or boyfriend (thanks for the reminder, Ruth!)

and, of course you should mention that...

Masturbation is fun!

Someone recently asked me if this conversation should include a discussion of moderation. Well, I don't think so. Unless there is some indication that a boy is spending all of his time masturbating, in which case of course it's warranted.

This information needs to come from somewhere. If it's not going to come from a parent, the parent needs to make sure someone else steps up to the plate and winds his or her way through that conversation. Generally, boys will need some of this information earlier than other parts of it, so it really needs to come as part of an on-going discussion about sex and sexuality.

But what do you think? What else do you think is important for boys to learn about masturbation?

Girls and masturbation

2007-10-01T05:19:00.001-06:00

Several parents have asked me what they need to say to their children/teenagers about masturbation. That, of course, differs by gender. So here are a few of the things girls need to know about masturbation, in no particular order. Come back tomorrow, and I'll have a post about boys.

Masturbation is a private activity. (This is often more relevant for younger children and toddlers to learn.)
Masturbation normal and healthy.
Many girls masturbate, many girls do not.
It is helpful to masturbate before beginning to have sex. Knowing what feels good to you will help you enjoy a sexual relationship even more. (This, clearly, is a conversation to have with a teenager who may be on the brink of beginning a sexual relationship.)

and, of course you should mention that...

Masturbation is fun!

Now, this can be heady stuff for parents to actually talk with their daughters about. But it's important, helpful information, and girls need to learn about it somewhere. If you can't screw up the gumption to have this conversation with your daughter, make sure someone else does. Ask a woman who is close to your daughter to do it. Send your daughter to this website. Find another website and send her to that one. Just make sure she gets the information from somewhere.

But what do you think? What else do you think is important for girls to learn about masturbation?

Top Ten Things To Do Before You Have Sex: a list for teenagers

2007-09-28T06:51:00.000-06:00

(And just to be clear, I’m talking about vaginal intercourse here, folks.)

1. Have an orgasm.
Yes, before you start having sex, you should give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good to you.

2. Know the other person’s sexual history.
And I don’t mean just vaginal intercourse for this one!

3. Know the other person’s STI status, as well as your own.
The only way to know this for sure is to be tested! And if you’re both virgins, well, you’re not going to be for long. You might as well get that scary first STI testing out of the way so you’ll know what to expect next time around.

4. Talk about exactly what STI protection and birth control you will be using.
These two issues go hand-in-hand (for heterosexual couples), and it is the domain of both parties to be intimately involved.

5. If you are part of a heterosexual couple, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant.
Here are a few options to talk about, in alphabetical order: abortion, adoption, raising the kid alone, raising the kid together. With the understanding that reality is different than the theoretical, make sure you’re both on the same theoretical page.

6. Have your best friend’s blessing.
We can rarely see someone we’re in love with clearly. It is often our best friends who can see our lovers and our potential lovers for who they really are. Listen to what your best friend has to say, and take it to heart. If it’s not what you wanted to hear, give it some time. Wait a month. A good relationship will be able to withstand another month before having sex. Then ask a different friend, and see what they have to say.

7. Meet your partner’s parents.
At the very least, make sure you know why you haven’t met your them. The best sex comes out of knowing someone well, and knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them. (Even if they’re really, really different from their family.)

8. Be comfortable being naked in front of each other.
You don’t actually have to strip down in broad daylight to make sure you’ve reached this milestone, but it sure helps!

9. Have condoms on hand.
Make sure they fit right, that they're within the expiration date, and that they haven't been exposed to extreme conditions (like the inside of a really hot car). Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship. There need be no assumption of hook ups outside of the relationship, just an assumption of good sexual habits being made and kept.

10. Make sure that your partner has done all of these things too.
Part of a happy, healthy sexual encounter is taking care of everyone’s emotional needs and physical health. Both people need to pay attention to themselves and to their partner. That way each person has two people looking out for them. It’s just the best way to do things.

Funny safe sex

2007-09-27T05:35:00.000-06:00

This is just too funny! The original site has the image animated - which is, of course, even funnier.

Teenagers and condoms vs. the pill

2007-09-26T05:45:00.000-06:00

Condoms are absolutely the best birth control for teenagers. They protect against pregnancy and disease. They are used at the time, so there is no need to fret over whether you forgot to take your pill last Tuesday. They are relatively inexpensive, and easily available (regardless of your age). Both genders can take responsibility for procuring and using them. There are, of course, a few drawbacks, but they are relatively small.

Hormonal birth control, which includes the pill and the Depo-Provera shot, are the other common methods out there. The first big drawback, as I see it, of these methods, is that they do not protect against STIs. Teenagers need to form the habit of using condoms every time, regardless of their partner's STI status. This is just a good sexual health supporting habit. However, there is a second big drawback. Hormonal birth control has serious emotional repercussions for some women: depression. It may be that as many as 50% or more women on hormonal birth control experience some level of depression which was brought on by the hormonal birth control. The third drawback here is that it is primarily through hormonal birth control that teenagers learn to think of birth control as something in the women's realm. Rather, it should be thought of as something that both genders think of as their responsibility.

So what birth control method(s) do you use? What did you use as a teenager? There are, of course, pro's and con's of every method. What are the pro's and con's that you live with on a daily basis?

You've got one question

2007-09-25T05:22:00.000-06:00

When your teenager tells you something shocking, or when you find or walk in on something shocking, or when your teenager's friends accidentally lets something shocking slip, you have an amazing opportunity. This is your golden opportunity to get to know your kid and maybe their friends at a much deeper level. But you don't want to blow it by reacting inappropriately in your shock and surprise.

So what to do?

Assume you have one question. That's it. So you'd better make it a good one.

And, importantly, you don't have to ask it right then. Depending on the situation, walk away or stop what's going on and make sure everyone is safe and taken care of, and then walk away. You've got at least a couple of hours, maybe even a day to devise your one question. Write out your question, say it out loud, revise it, bounce it off your friends or your therapist.

There are two parts of this process that are most important:

You're making sure that you ask a question, and then give your teenager a chance to answer. Far too often parents who are surprised ask one question and then go right into another one, without giving their teenager time to either absorb or answer the first question.
You're choosing your words wisely. In addition to talking too much, parents often make the mistake of asking blaming or rhetorical questions ("What were you thinking!" or "Did you not realize what a stupid idea that was?"). You really do want answers, and so you need to be sure and ask the right question to get those answers.

So take your time, and make sure you get the right question figured out. Your conversations with your teenager will substantially deepen as a result.

What size are you?

2007-09-24T05:16:00.000-06:00

Do you know condoms come in different shapes and sizes? Does your teenager know that?

Five researchers from the University of Indiana have recently reported that lots of men report that condoms just don't fit quite right - men think that condoms are too short, too long, too tight, and too loose.

It seems to me that anyone - teenagers or adults - would have a hard time using a condom if they didn't fit right. Regardless of whether the condoms are too tight, too loose, too short, or too long, they won't be worn if they don't fit well. Not to mention the safety issues inherent with mis-fitting condoms! Too loose or too long means too likely to slip off during sex. Too short or too tight means too uncomfortable and likely to rip. Any of these things happening makes teenagers (and adults) less likely to trust, and therefore less likely to use, condoms.

So what to do? Try out different condoms. They come in different shapes and sizes, and there's probably a pretty decent fit for you out there somewhere. A good place to start is the Dinah Project's lovely condom review page. Many stores also sell mixed packs of condoms, so you can try out several kinds.

Even just knowing that condoms are different may help your teenager be open to keep trying different kinds until they find one that works. So be sure your teenager knows it!

Thanks to The Dinah Project for the condom picture!

Meet The Parents

2007-09-21T06:42:00.000-06:00

When I was a teenager, I knew the parents of my boyfriends. I don't really remember how or when or why I met them, I just did. I guess we hung out at my boyfriends' houses and their parents were just...you know, around. I think this is a good thing. In fact, I think it's a fabulous thing.

Before having sex with someone, teenagers should meet his/her parents. It puts the prospective lover in context, and allows them further insight into who they are. Most teenagers live with their parents, so it shouldn't be too logistically difficult. It seems like a good, basic safety valve.

When I've talked about this, some parents seem to assume that teenagers would meet their girlfriend/boyfriend's parents, and think I'm just stating an obvious fact of teenage relationships. Others are stunned that I would recommend such a thing, because it would just never happen.

What's your perspective on this? Did you meet the parents of your early sexual partners? Do you expect to meet your teenager's sexual partners? Is it different if the teenager is dating but not having sex?

Uh...what's a Keeper?

2007-09-20T05:33:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago I blithely mentioned cloth pads and Keepers in a post. Crystal, one of my readers, happily pointed out that she had no idea what I was talking about. So if you're like her, here's the low down:

Cloth pads are, essentially, just like disposable pads except that they're made out of...um...cloth. (Those snaps go on the bottom of your panties, folks, and the nice smooth side you can't see in the picture goes towards your body.) Potential benefits are: you don't have all those yucky absorptive chemicals in such a sensitive place, it's cheaper in the long run than disposables, plus it's so much better for the environment. Another happy side effect for those of you able to handle your moon blood more easily than most is that the water you use to wash your pads in is really great to use to water your plants with. Makes them extra green and shiny. That is, of course, just too gross for some people, which I totally understand. Frankly, if I used cloth pads, I'm not sure I could bring myself to water my plants that way.

OKAY! Onto the the Keepers.

First, Kee per s are menstrual cups, menstrual cups are Keepers. They're shaped like little wine goblets without the base and are made out of rubber (the brown one) or medical grade silicone (the white one). Here's how you use a Keeper: You fold the lip of the cup together and into quarters and insert it into your vagina. You poke around to make sure they've fully expanded and tug on the stem a little to make sure they've got a good seal all the way around. In the best of all worlds, they catch all your blood. When you think it's full (you develop a seventh sense about this, just like with tampons), or it's been up to 12 hours, you tug on the little bit sticking down and dump your blood in the potty. Rinse the cup in the sink. Benefits are: there's no concern of toxic shock syndrome like there is with tampons, it's cheaper in the long run, fewer chemicals are leaching into your body, there's no bloody yuck in your bathroom trashcan, plus they're better for the environment.

I'm a Keeper girl myself. But it took me years to find out! So be particularly sure to talk with your pre-menstrual girls about both of these options, in addition to the more typical disposable items in the crotch section of your local grocery store. (Ever notice how all of the items for the general crotch area are all on the same aisle? Take a look next time you're there. It's kind of funny.) That way she'll be more open to the idea of a reusable item when she starts her period. Particular care and attention must be used to help her figure out how to be discrete in the bathroom with these items, in the event she doesn't want her friends to know what kind of blood catcher she's using.

Binge drinking vs. Social drinking

2007-09-19T05:24:00.000-06:00

Last night I heard Tim Burns talk about brain development in the adolescent years. He also went into some detail about how drug and alcohol use affects the brain. For the most part, I liked what he had to say. He was an interesting and effective speaker.

But here is where I am concerned about his message:

He talked about the extreme negative implications of binge drinking. The depressing effect of large amounts of alcohol (generally more than four or five drinks) has something of a whiplash effect on the brain as it's wearing off. That burns through lots of brain cells. Clearly, that's very, very bad.

However, Burns added some nuance to that message by saying that what he termed "social drinking," or having only one drink, is generally fine, and may even have positive physiological effects. But that's a message that I'm just not comfortable with. Teenagers' first sexual experience is often associated with some alcohol use - but not necessarily binge drinking. And losing your virginity is just never improved by the presence of even small amounts of alcohol.

So while I appreciate that social drinking doesn't necessarily have negative physiological effects, if we're talking about nuances, we should also discuss how even social drinking can impair teenager's social decision making. And that leaves them open to sexual experiences they wouldn't choose to have sober.

Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman

2007-09-18T05:22:00.000-06:00

How to gut it out...A Top Ten List For Talking To Teens About...Well, you know.

2007-09-17T05:46:00.000-06:00

1. Listen. If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

2. Be cool like a cucumber. Nothing surprises you. You gain your strength and your stability from the depths of the ocean. You are in the zone. You are the embodiment of zen. When listening to your teenager talking about sex, never get worked up. The minute you get worked up, they stop talking. So let them talk themselves out -whether that takes two minutes or two hours. Then leave. Then get worked up and yell and scream and rage and cry at someone not related to you.

3. Pleasure and Pain. You must talk about the pleasure sex can bring as well as the negative sides. And you have to let your teenager talk about it as well. Yes, that means you have to talk about orgasms and hear your teenager use terms like "feels good." Teenagers know sex is at least partially about physical pleasure, so no worries. You won't be telling them anything they don't already know.

4. Listen. Once more, for the hard-of-hearing: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual lives, shut up and listen to them!

5. It's not about you. You must always keep the focus of the conversation on your teenager’s sex life (that is, that which has nothing at all to do with your own sex life). Teenagers feel like they are discovering sex. And in a way, they are. They're discovering their own sexuality. By talking about other people's sexual choices (yours, their older sibling's, their friend's, famous people's, whoever), you are reminding them that they did not, in fact, invent sex. This is not the time for you to do that.

6. Bring it on! You must always be open and welcoming when your teenager shows any inclination to talking about his/her sex life. Even if you're uncomfortable. Even if you feel like they're making horrible choices. The time to bring up those reservations is at a later time, when your teenager isn't opening up of their own volition and, more importantly, you have a bit more perspective and time to plan what you're going to say.

7. Do something - anything - else. The conversation will be easier if you don't have to look at each other. So, depending on your personal preferences and those of your teen, grab anything from your knitting to your golf clubs. Just get something (anything!) in front of your eyes and their eyes so you don't have to look at each other's eyes.

8. Listen. I just can't make that word bold enough or say it enough times. For those who have already forgotten #s 1 and 4, I'll repeat myself one last time: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

9. Ask questions. This is the only way you can violate rules #s 1, 4, and 8. This does not, however, give you permission to ask questions like "Was that really a good idea?" because that's not really a question, but a statement of "That was not a good idea." You may ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions like "Can you tell me more about that?" and "How did that make you feel?" Be sure your tone of voice is open and non-judgmental as well.

10. Sisyphus didn't give up, and neither may you! That's a picture of Sisyphus up at the top. He's the guy the Gods punished by making him role a huge bolder up a hill for eternity. What you're doing isn't as hard as that, it just feels like it. These may be some of the hardest conversations you'll ever have. Keep at it! If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Really? A chastity belt?

2007-09-14T05:42:00.000-06:00

Chew on this today: someone has apparently patented what they call a "security underwear device for sexual organs" (i.e., a chastity belt). Is it as horrible as it sounds? I think so. Is it real? It appears to be. How sure am I of that? Not completely, so I wrote to snopes.com (my go-to-site for Internet scams). Since they did not have anything listed on security underwear devices, I e-mailed them and asked what they thought. If they have anything to say on the topic, I'll be sure and let you know.

So what do you think? Is this for real?

Thanks to Joan Price for the heads-up on this little outrage.

On the uselessness of virginity and abstinence

2007-09-13T05:22:00.000-06:00

A study on teenagers' understanding of virginity was published in the August 2007 issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health. The study looked particularly at adolescents' understanding of virginity pledges and vague sexual education terminology. RH Reality Check distilled the results into two lists:

Adolescents believe virginity is maintained after participating in:

genital touching (83.5%)

oral sex (70.6%)

anal sex (16.1%)

vaginal intercourse (5.8%)

Adolescents believe abstinence is maintained after participating in:

genital touching (44.2%)

oral sex (33.4%)

anal sex (14.3%)

vaginal intercourse (11.9%)

So why the difference between the percentages on these two lists? And even more importantly, why is it that more than 10% of teenagers think that sexual abstinence is maintained after vaginal intercourse? Ah, the nuances of such heavily-leaden words as "virgin" and "abstinent." Both of these words have been rendered close to meaningless by the extreme rhetoric associated with both. I say pitch them both - their meanings are unsalvageable. Let's guide our vocabulary to more descriptive and useful words, like sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, and groping. Everyone knows what these words mean, and so they continue to serve their purpose in dialogue effectively.

Radio Interview Thursday, September 13th

2007-09-12T16:35:00.000-06:00

I am delighted to announce my first radio interview! I will be on KOOP 91.7 in Austin tomorrow, Thursday, September 13th on Soul Talk with Rev. Chuck Freeman. Soul Talk runs from 2 to 3, and I will be on during the second half of the show. If you aren't in Austin, you can listen on-line. If you want to listen to the interview at a more convenient time, you can download the podcast from Chuck's website.

Review of The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls

2007-09-12T05:23:00.000-06:00

The Care & Keeping of You, by Valorie Lee Schaefer, is also referred to as the American Girl Body Book and other similar things. I’ve been asked what I think about it, and here is my (rather long) answer:

First, this book is written for slightly younger kiddos than I generally work with. So my first reaction was that the large, colorful font, the excess of cartoon pictures, and the slightly aggressive racial diversity would all be put-offs for teenagers. Then I (metaphorically) slapped my forehead and remembered that this is more for 4th or 5th graders (the American Girl website says it’s for ages 8+). As I’m not as familiar with literature for this age range, please feel free to correct me if I’m off-base with my assumptions about what would appeal to them or how they would react to something.

In general, the book is pretty good stuff. It’s mostly basic body care for someone who is just beginning to care for their bodies. I learned most of this stuff from my mom. I think it’s probably best for girls to learn basic body care from their moms. I had a hard time letting my mom talk with me about basic body care – but she kept at it, and I think in the long run it was probably the best way for me to learn it. But if the mother/daughter relationship just isn’t conducive to those kinds of conversations, this book is a pretty good substitute. But be sure and remember that this book has nothing, in any way, whatsoever, in it about sex. Girls who read it will not learn anything about sex - not even how babies are made.

So for those who are interested in a longer description and discussion of the book, maybe to see if it's a good book for your daughter, here you go:

The book is broken up into different parts of the body in this order:

“Body Basics”
Care for the head area – hair, ears, eyes, mouth, face, and skin
Care and information about hands, underarms, and breasts
Information about belly shapes and sizes, food, and nutrition
Information about the pubic area and periods
Care and information about legs, feet, sports, and sleep
The last section is about the internal/emotional aspects of adolescence.

The section focused on the head is a good basic overview of cleanliness and care. A bit is about liking your face for what it is.

The chest and arm section includes a bit on underarm cleanliness, but focuses on what it is like to grow breasts and how to buy a bra.

The fourth section is a little bit haphazard – it includes some information about how bodies develop at different rates and tidbits like a thickening waist does not necessarily mean overweight for a developing girl. It also attempts to package the current USDA “personal pyramid” (see picture on the right) into something clearly understandable. It fails, but then I’ve yet to see any explanation that is really clear anyway. This section also discusses eating disorders – the most text-heavy portion of the entire book. It’s decent enough, I guess, but I certainly don’t think it’s anything like a preventative or a real help if a girl has already begun to walk down that path. It may help girls identify friends with eating disorders and encourage them to seek adult help for their friends.

The fifth section is basically the crotch section. It begins with a short intro to pubic hair and vaginal cleanliness and discharge, but quickly moves into a tell-all about periods and supplies to catch menstrual blood. Regrettably, they only discuss disposable pads and tampons. Not even a mention of cotton or hemp pads or keepers. They make up for this, however, with the really good description and pictures of how to insert a tampon on pages 76 and 77 (see picture below to see the bulk of that 2-page spread). I would have given just about anything to have seen those two pages when I started my period. Really, it’s worth the entire book for just those two pages. There is also a short discussion on how to live through PMS and menstrual cramping.

The section on legs is another hodge-podge. It includes information on shaving legs, general foot cleanliness, why exercise is important, how to exercise safely, an ode to the importance of sleep, and how to address some sleep troubles (bed wetting, insomnia, and nightmares).

The three or four pages on emotional stability is essentially a throw-away. But never fear! American Girl has a whole book on just that topic. Hopefully I’ll get around to reviewing it sometime soon.

All of the sections end with questions theoretically asked by young girls and answered by the author. This seems to be a pretty good format for addressing some of the more interpersonal issues that are related to girls’ developing bodies.

In general, I think the book is good for girls ages 8 - 11, depending on their specific developmental place.

9/11

2007-09-11T05:38:00.000-06:00

Today is the sixth anniversary of the day two planes crashed into the World Trade Center, one into the Pentagon, and one more into fields in Pennsylvania.

The young people who were teenagers in 2001 were, as a group, dramatically affected by the attacks. Adolescence is a time when there is a deeper opening of the soul, so the tragic and the painful and the beautiful and the gentle tend to enter and pierce more deeply than they do for the younger child or for the adult. These young people were marked more deeply by the tragedy than most others.

Because adolescence covers such a short time span, most of the those who were teenagers in 2001 are now young adults. 9/11 to the current cohort of teenagers is something from their childhood. It is probably remembered starkly, but more because of the reactions of the adults around them than because of the act itself.

I had a newborn baby on 9/11. She slept and nursed and gurgled the morning through attached to me in our sling. Without a TV, we spent most of the morning listening to NPR, leaning against the open front door, watching the cars and people go by. Eventually I walked across the street to a neighbor's house, to be with someone. I saw the image of the burning towers for the first time there.

Where were you six years ago? Where was your teenager or child? Take some time today to ask for their memories of the day - don't assume that just because you were together that you have the same memories. And don't feel compelled to use the time as a teaching moment - just listen and learn about how your teenager or young adult internalized such an incredibly painful moment in our shared history.

What's important about sex ed?

2007-09-10T05:23:00.000-06:00

Yesterday a teenager at my church (Wildflower UU Church) told me that she didn’t really care about sex education, and nor did her friends really care about it. She didn’t seem to be trying to be rude – on the contrary, she was quite apologetic about it. Pointed out that it wasn’t because she or her friends disliked me personally. They just weren’t really interested in sex ed.

I didn’t take her comment personally. However I do think she misunderstands what sex education is about – just as many parents misunderstand what sex education is about. She (and many parents) think my goal is to push some “sexuality agenda.” Be it condom use, abstinence, or polygamy, most people who talk about sex to teenagers have a very definite goal for that teenager’s current and future sex life in mind.

And I guess I do have a goal too – I want the teenagers I talk with to figure out sexuality for themselves, in a safe, non-dogmatic environment. I certainly have opinions about condoms, abstinence, and polygamy. But my opinions aren’t necessarily your opinions. And so long as teenagers have all the information about those and other sexuality issues, they can and should discover their own opinions within the context of their family and cultural morals and history. My job is just to get them the information and provide them with a safe place to sift through it.

(And for the record, I think condoms should be used unless everyone involved has been tested for STDs and both parties want to bring a baby into the world, I think abstinence is a fine personal choice for people of all ages if they are able to make it dogma-free, and I think polygamy has historically disadvantaged women and maintained the patriarchy, although I don’t think it necessarily has to do that.)

www.whateverlife.com

2007-09-07T07:01:00.000-06:00

Today's post is not so much about sexuality, with more focus on the whole adolescent thing...

As primarily (although not exclusively) adults read my blog, you may not be aware of whateverlife.com. This is a delightful website that was created and is still run by Ashley Qualls, otherwise known as AshBo. Whateverlife is a site that creates Myspace page layouts. The site is currently making about $70,000 per month in advertising revenue. According to at least one source, the site is ranked 349 - that would be the 349th most popular website out all of the millions of websites on the web. Pretty astounding. Perhaps even more astounding, Ashbo is 17. In Feb of '06 AshBo dropped out of high school, and she's now attending a community college part-time while she runs her (very lucrative) business.

She sounds cool. I'd totally be her friend. I wonder how much she knows about sex ed?

A Spoonful of Sugar directed by Andrea Williams

2007-09-06T05:35:00.000-06:00

This is fabulous short movie (running time 18:29 minutes). Here is the synopsis from the Reel NY Film Festival site:

A Brooklyn teen hides an important secret while on a quest for intimacy and inclusion. Some secrets we should tell. Some questions we should ask.

But this just doesn't do the film justice. It has won several awards, including the Best Student Film from the Hollywood Black Film Festival. I looked for the film on youtube, but couldn't find it, so I can't post it here. So please click on the link and watch it on the Reel NY Film Festival site. Then make sure your teenager watches it too. Here are a few questions to guide your conversation:

At what point should the girl have told the boy her secret?
If you were the girl, do you think you would have made the same choices?
If you were the boy, what would your reaction be? Would you continue to see the girl?
Should the mother have told the boy?

But remember, these are not just questions for the teenager to answer thoughtfully - they're questions for the parent to consider deeply as well.

STI Testing: where to get tested

2007-09-05T05:14:00.000-06:00

This is primarily a listing of places to get tested for STIs in Austin, Texas. However, for those in other places, most private physicians can order the required tests, and many cities have Planned Parenthood offices or other clinics which also offer the testing. For the closest PP clinic to you, visit the Planned Parenthood website and provide your zip code at the top of the page. Also check with your local city or county government to see if there is a free clinic near you.

I will be posting descriptions of the various STI tests over the next several weeks, so you and your teenager will know what to expect when you get tested.

And now on to the local information for Austin.

The first place, and perhaps the most obvious, is Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood offers STI testing as well as birth control, emergency birth control, abortions, and many other reproductive health related services. There are three clinics in Austin:

North (9041 Research Blvd, 331-1288)
Downtown (1823 E. 7th St, 477-5846)
South (201 E. Ben White Blvd, 276-8000)

The north and south clinic offer services from 9am to 6:30pm, Monday through Saturday for all clients. The downtown clinic offers a split schedule dependent on age. For teenagers, the hours are 2 – 6:30pm, and many services are offered free or at a very reduced price. For anyone 20 or older, the hours are 8:30am – 1pm and all services are offered at a fixed price. Some services are offered on a walk-in basis, others require an appointment, the services and prices vary depending on the clinic, so calling ahead is the best bet.

A second good option for STI testing is the Austin/Travis County Health & Human Services Department, which offers a battery of four test (syphilis, HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea) for $15 to individuals ages 14 and up (no parental permission required). The office is located at 15 Waller St, and an ID and an appointment are required. To make an appointment call 972-5580. Results take 10 – 14 days.

Finally, for students at the University of Texas, the University Health Services offers a wide variety of services, including STI testing, birth control, and emergency birth control. A doctor (either at UHS or a private physician) needs to order the STI testing, and a full list of tests are possible. The testing ranges in price from $14 (for syphilis) to $68 (for one type of herpes blood test). Call for more information and for an appointment: 471-4955. Results take between 1 and 5 days.

Dating in the 1920's (or, Obligations Since the 1920's)

2007-09-04T05:08:00.000-06:00

Dating is a social trend that apparently started around 1920. That is, dating as defined by two young people going out to do something (often dancing or movies) together, alone. Several sources on the subject point to the accepted dating trend of "rating and dating" and "petting and paying."

The first of these all-too-cute phrases, rating and dating, refers to competitive dating, or young men with more money and material goods were more able to date more, and more attractive young women. It seems to me that this had actually been going on for some time, but with marriage in mind. In the 1920's it probably changed to a less-committed and younger crowd.

The second phrase, petting and paying, refers to young men who would pay the young women's way on the date, and at the end of the date they would sit in the young man's car and "pet." Petting could include just about every sexual act short of sexual intercourse, although probably not as much oral sex as is seen in teenage crowds these days. But really anything that would not get a young girl pregnant was fair game.

Now, I'm not sure how your teenage dating lives went, but mine were pretty different than what is described here. Not, that is, the rating and dating system. That was firmly and uncontroversially in place. The primary difference was that I tended to pay my own way in order to avoid the feeling of obligation to make-out, or pet. Occasionally, on a particularly romantic evening, a young man who was a long-standing boyfriend would pay my way. But I was always slightly uncomfortable with that arrangement, I was somehow aware of this history of sexual obligation (perhaps my mother had connected those particular dots for me?) and sought to buck the trend.

So what are the dating trends that are affecting you or your son or daughter? What are the subtle obligations and expectations about sex and money that unfold during a date? How did you/are you handling them?

(The pictures at the top of the post are, of course, Mary Astor and John Barrymore, who dated from 1924 - 1925, with thanks to www.whosdatedwho.com.)

Checking for breast cancer - nude female breasts in video

2007-08-31T05:20:00.001-06:00

It is important for young women to learn about their breasts. This video shows a group of British soccer players learning how to give themselves a breast exam. E-mail it to all the young women in your life!

Several weeks ago I posted a video of a group of young men learning how to do a self-exam for testicular cancer. I mentioned that my teenage brother was having surgery to remove a testicle. I am please to say he does not have cancer, the lump was only an inflammation.

Peer pressure, part 3

2007-08-30T05:39:00.001-06:00

This is part 3 in a 3-part series on the influence peers have on adolescent decision making. The first part presented the issue, the second part argued for an appropriate course of action to mediate peer influences, and today is about whether peer-influenced early sexual behaviors matter in the long run.

Today's discussion is based on a comment left on Tuesday by Dorian:

You don't talk of the outcome of these patterns of behavior for these girls. I am left wondering, not how to respond to them, but are they now adults? Do they have healthy sex lives now? Is the difference in their sexual beginnings SUCH a big deal after all? I'm beginning to think that perhaps parents and adults in general make way too much out of it all - it is a decision, one decision, and yes, it does impact our lives, but perhaps only as one factor in a broad spectrum. What do you think?

Here is my short answer: It depends.

Here is my long answer: Early sexual decisions do have an impact. However, the long-term impact is probably smaller than most parents fear and perhaps larger than most teenagers expect. The teenagers I described in my first post are indeed now young adults.

Cassie had a series of sexual partners in her adolescent years, somewhere around 5 or 6. She eventually stayed with one young man for about 6 years. During all that time she never had an orgasm, and none of the men she was with paid her much attention sexually. She was not even fully aware that she had not orgasmed. In her mid-20's Cassie got together with a very sensual young man with whom she really discovered herself sexually. She feels she has finally come to balance sexually.

Susan had a good sexual relationship with her first lover, and has had good relationships with her two other lovers since then. She does not feel she was ever sexually off-balance.

So from very different adolescent sexual choices, these young women have essentially found themselves in similar places in their 20's.

There were a series of sexual choices here, though, not just the one. Cassie made the decision to have sexual intercourse with a series of men who did not have her interests in mind, sexually or otherwise. It took a lot of courage and strength for her to change that pattern. Susan made basically good decisions starting from her first sexual intercourse.

So while the ways in which teenagers loose their virginity may not in and of themselves be such a big deal, they can be indicative of the type of sexual choices that individual is inclined to make over the years, and those choices over the years certainly are a big deal in terms of sexual development and health.

Peer pressure, part 2

2007-08-29T07:08:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I wrote about how peer pressure greatly influences adolescents' sexual decision making. Today will be about how parents can have a place in the interaction and mutual-influence between adolescents and their peers.

So your teenage son or daughter's friends are having sex. Or drinking, or smoking pot, or failing their classes. Whatever they're doing, let's assume it's something you would prefer your son or daughter not to do. But it is now normalized in your son or daughter's life, and therefore they are more likely to do it themselves.

The first road many parents take is trying to remove their child from the situation. "You can't be friends with that person any more." Now, I'll be honest, I think this is a completely fruitless road to even try and walk down. It almost never works, and it severely reduces your ability to influence your teenager in other ways. However, I was recently very surprised by someone whose mother had found out that one of her daughter's friends was having sex and getting drunk and stopped the friendship cold. So it can sometimes work, if two conditions are met: 1. that your son or daughter has the temperment to react well to such a dictum, which is very unusual, and 2. that the forbidden friend is really only one friend, and your son or daughter has a strong network of other friends to tap into.

The more effective path, the path less traveled by, and the one that will be the most likely to work, is to come to terms with the fact that your teenager knows how and why their peers engage in these potentially negative behaviors. The best way to influence your teenager to choose behaviors you would choose for them is to talk with them - by which I mean ask them questions. "Why do you think _____ is having sex/drinking alcohol/doing drugs? How do you think doing those things makes him/her feel? How do you think they would make you feel? Well, okay, sure, but how do you think you would feel about it a day/week/month/year later? You have to acknowledge the short-term good that these choices bring about. And you have to guide your teenager to seeing for him/herself what the long-term effects may be.

More tomorrow in part 3 on an answer to a question posted yesterday in the comments by Dorian:

You don't talk of the outcome of these patterns of bahavior for these girls. I am left wondering, not how to respond to them, but are they now adults? Do they have healthy sex lives now? Is the difference in their sexual beginnings SUCH a big deal after all? I'm beginning to think that perhaps parents and adults in general make way too much out of it all - it is a decision, one decision, and yes, it does impact our lives, but perhaps only as one factor in a broad spectrum. What do you think?

Peer pressure, part 1

2007-08-28T05:34:00.000-06:00

A teenager's peer group has a deep and profound effect on many aspects of his or her behavior. This is just one of those truisms of humanity, although it may be more potent for teenagers. We are more likely to engage in behavior we consider normative rather than unusual, and we are more likely to consider behavior normal if the people we primarily interact with are doing it.

Sex and sexuality do not stand out from this trend. If the majority of your friends, the majority of the people you spend your time with, are having sex, you will consider it normal to be a person having sex. It is much less of a leap for teenagers to begin having sex if they consider it a normal activity for teenagers. On the other hand, if none of a teenager's close friends are having sex, it is a much bigger leap to begin. Doing something out of the norm, breaking the mold, generally requires more thought and energy than doing something perceived as normal.

Here is an example of two teenagers who had grown up together, had been best friends as children, and had been inclined towards similar behaviors as children. After 6th grade they went to different Junior High schools, where they met different groups of friends who substantially influenced their different sexualities:

All of Cassie's female friends were all having sex. All of the boys in her group enjoyed having sex with the girls, and had come to expect vaginal intercourse in any situation where there was kissing and general making-out involved. Cassie's female friends called her a prude and said no boy would ever be interested in going out with her because of she was frigid. The boys laughed at her and said they didn't want to date her because she wouldn't have sex with them. So Cassie relented and had sex with one of the boys one night, no one special, just to get it over with. Cassie was 14.

None of Susan's female friends had had sex. About half of them had dated someone, but none of them had progressed to heavy petting or taken off any clothing. One of the girls had been raped when she was 12, and that extremely scary and painful experience was the only real sexual touchstone in the group. The boys in the group were by-and-large similarly experienced. Eventually Susan met and started to date someone from outside the group. They were quite in love, and after serious consideration decided to have vaginal intercourse. Susan's friends, while not outright rude, told her she was making a horrible decision that she would regret. They began to avoid her and stopped including her boyfriend in any activity. Susan was 18.

These stories suggest the impact of friends on teenagers' sexual decisions. But they don't really begin to discuss what to do about the issue, from the perspective of a parent or a teenager. I'll speak to that in a post tomorrow.

Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman

2007-08-27T05:21:00.000-06:00

Zits is my favorite comic strip. Scott and Borgman seem to be able to tap into something about teenagers that appeals to both parents and teens - something very difficult to do. This one is from last Thursday, August 23rd.

On an off-topic note, tonight is the full moon. Step outside and enjoy it with the ones you love.

Good reading material for parents

2007-08-24T05:58:00.000-06:00

A friend recently asked, since she lives far away and cannot attend my next class in Austin, what reading material could I suggest for her and her friends. She has a fifth grader. Here is what I said to her:

Good reading material about boys includes the chapter on sexuality in the book The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian and the book How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys by Howard Schiffer. This second book is good for parents to read first, to get an idea of where your conversations should be heading, but it is also one that young boys should be given to read - maybe around 9th grade, depending on the individual boy. I also think it is important for parents, particularly of boys, to grapple with the issue of pornography, and to those ends I recommend Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity by Robert Jensen. I have interviews with both Schiffer and Jensen on this blog.

There are, of course, reams of information written about girls as they are growing into adolescence, and many of them are good. However, few seem to be directed at parents who are looking to actively support their girls in healthy sexuality development. So with that in mind, I recommend reading two books to get a general understanding of the state of preteen girls today: The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg and Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher. Michael Gurian, who wrote The Wonder of Boys, has also written The Wonder of Girls, which may be good, although I have not had a chance to read it yet. Particularly for parents of girls, although not specifically about sexuality, I also really like Hold Me Close, Let Me Go by Adair Lara and Whatever, Mom by Ariel Gore and Maia Swift.

In terms of the gender-nonspecific, I suggest the section on sexuality in the book The Case Against Adolescence by Robert Epstein. Also, of course, since the majority of teenagers date across gender lines, I do think it is helpful to read through the books for or about the other gender from your own children, in order to have a sense of what future dates might be thinking/going through. I am looking for books about parenting homosexual teenagers, but have yet to find a good one to recommend. If any of the readers has any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

If you are looking for more comprehensive direction in how to approach teaching your children, I highly recommend the age-appropriate section of the Unitarian Universalist sexuality curriculum, Our Whole Lives.

And, of course, you, your friends, or your school are welcome to bring me there to present a weekend workshop for parents on adolescent sexuality. You can find out more about my parent workshop here.

Upcoming parent class on adolescent sexuality

2007-08-23T17:20:00.000-06:00

I am pleased to announce an up-coming class on adolescent sexuality for parents.

This class will cover a variety of issues that are critical for parents of current or future adolescents to understand in order to support the healthy sexuality of their children. Because of the dramatic changes in the adolescent sexual landscape over the last decade, I will begin the classes by presenting an overview of adolescent sexuality as it is being enacted in middle schools and high schools all over the United States. Discussion over the following three weeks will include topics such as assumptions about adolescent sexuality and their applicability to our children, what kind of romantic and sexual experiences we hope our children have (or don't have), and of course, most importantly, how to talk with our children about sex. However, this curriculum is secondary to the interests of the particular group of parents in the class. Substantial time can be directed towards your specific, on-topic interests and questions.

For more information about what we will cover in class, please look at the description of the parent class on my website.

If you would like to speak with parents who have taken this class with me in the past, please do not hesitate to contact me. You may e-mail me with questions or to register. Sign up soon, because class size is limited!

Here's the info:
Sunday afternoons from 3:00 - 4:30
September 16, 23, and 30, and October 7
South Austin

Thoughts on sexuality, religion, and age

2007-08-23T05:40:00.000-06:00

Most religions have very strong opinions about sex and sexuality. Churches and other places of worship are a major contributor to sexuality education for American children and teenagers. I happen to very much like the Unitarian Universalist's sex education program, Our Whole Lives (or OWL). The Reverend Debra Haffner writes a regular blog called Sexuality and Religion: What's the Connection? And I wonder the same thing.

That so many religions speak so powerfully on sexuality suggests that sexuality is absolutely central to our being fully human.

But what does that mean for teenagers? What does it mean when we tell teenagers that something most religions and most adults consider to be central to being human (i.e., sexuality), is something that they should wait to begin taking part in until after high school, until after they turn 18 or 21, or until after they marry.

Robert Epstein, Ph.D., author of The Case Against Adolescence, would say (and, in fact, has said) that teenagers can make good, responsible decisions about their own sexual activities. Dr. Epstein goes to great lengths to point out that different teenagers have different decision-making abilities and different maturity levels. Almost in the same breath, he points out that adults are subject to the same levels of individual variation, and yet they still have complete responsibility for their own sexual activities.

So what do all of these (slightly jumbled) thoughts mean? Why do religions consider sexuality so critical, and why do they try to limit sexual behavior so stringently? How can adults legitimately restrict adolescents from taking part in sexuality, when it is so key to humanity? And is there legitimate support for these positions given Dr. Epstein's assertion that
teenagers are able to make appropriate decisions about sexual behavior?

"Can adolescents truly be in love?"

2007-08-22T05:18:00.000-06:00

Someone (I have no idea who) recently did a google search asking the question, "Can adolescents truly be in love?" This blog is the fifth search result out of 1,710,000 websites which may or may not provide something of an answer to that question. The searcher looked at my blog for less than 2 seconds. In addition to being an awkward, ineffective search question, this is a dehumanizing, insulting, and above all very ageist (as in sexist and racist) search question.

And in the event that that searcher returns to this blog, I want to be ready with an answer.

Teenagers often love more passionately, more deeply, and with more of their being than adults. Sometimes we can be scared by that. Teenagers can also release their loves with breath-taking speed, particularly if someone else has come along to take the original love's place. Sometimes we dismiss their love because of that.

But that's not fair. Love is love, and the ability to be in love is not diminished just because someone is under 20.

The Shortest Fairy Tale

2007-08-21T05:44:00.001-06:00

A friend recently forwarded me this:

The Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "no" and she lived happily ever after. And
went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a
clean house, never ever had to cook, had a closet full of
shoes and handbags, stayed skinny.

The End.

And I wonder: is this a fairy tale ending? I think it's good for girls to be able to reject the idea that they need or want a man in their lives. But is this really a good alternative? What do you think a good fairy tale ending for our girls might look like?

Interview with Robert Jensen

2007-08-20T05:37:00.000-06:00

Last Thursday morning I had the pleasure of speaking with Robert Jensen about pornography and raising kids in a sexually saturated society. I have mentioned Jensen’s newest book on pornography in a previous post. Several articles he’s written are on his website.

What is a brief description of how you see porn?

When you look at pornography, you see the perfect storm of a predatory corporate capitalism, white supremacy, and male supremacy. Pornography is not only racist and sexist, but it’s also the commodification of one of the most central part of ourselves. You can literally buy your sexuality. If you actually look honestly at that, it’s incredibly depressing.

How is it that kids or teenagers typically get introduced to porn?

Well, there just isn’t much in the way of reliable research on kids’ use of pornography, or much research on adults’ use for that matter. I always use my own experience as a baseline for understanding men of my generation, the post-Playboy generation, I’m 49. But there have been dramatic cultural changes driven by the technology since my generation. The first of those changes was the VCR, which made it much easier for people to see the hardcore stuff in their house. And then of course the internet, which ramped pornography use up by about a factor of a thousand. The fundamental thing that hasn’t changed over the years is that boys are much higher users of porn than girls.

So how should parents talk with their kids about porn?

It seems that for teenagers, boys use porn far more than girls. Not surprisingly, because the vast majority of porn is directed for a man’s imagination. And the conception of masculinity in pornography is in line with the rest of the training that adolescent boys get in becoming a man.

The one footnote to that is this “girl power” trend. And there has been some writing on this, where girls are taking on more stereotypically male sexuality, it’s called the “hook-up culture.” And so girls are taking on the perception of sexual pleasure and dominance. This is the “Girls Gone Wild” culture.

However, I still think that porn is still overwhelmingly a male genre. It is made by men, for men, and addressing the male sexual imagination. It reinforces the worst aspects of gender training, particularly around male sexuality.

What can parents, particularly of boys, do?

Well, at the obvious level, parents have to deal with their own fear of pornography first. We have to get over the feeling that if we critique porn we’re prudes.

The second thing is that I think a lot of parents in the post-Playboy world saw porn as kind of a harmless indulgence when they were growing up. So parents sometimes avoid the topic by seeing it as harmless.

Mothers in particular have to deal with their own fears in order to have good conversations with their boys about it. Most adult women have this very visceral reaction to porn, for very reasonable reasons, because it generally turns them into an object. Porn and pop culture is a very scary thing, with threats of violence, and particularly sexual violence. And add on to that, there is often a very nervous relationship with husbands regarding their own use.

Fathers, on the other hand, have to come to terms with their own pornography use. It is my experience that if you get together 10 nice, liberal men who deny using porn, at least 5 of them are lying. My experience says that men don’t step up to their responsibility in talking to their boys about porn, and particularly if they’re users themselves, they can’t.

The thing to remember is that no intervention is too early. The earlier that kids have a framework to understand the negative cultural training the better. There are two main perspectives from which sexualizing teenagers and the sexual culture is critiqued: the right-wing religious framework or the feminist framework. Those are the only people who are being vocal out there saying that our sexualized culture is wrong. The right-wing approach is rooted in a fear of sexuality and male dominance. I think we need a feminist analysis, and it is never too early to introduce that to children.

So first parents have to come to terms with these things. And if you really come to terms with pornography, it is overwhelming. It has to be. Because it’s one thing to know that Hollywood movies objectify and sexualize women. It’s another thing to know that there is this huge corporate complex out there that directly supports men having sexual power and sexual dominance over women.

We also need to remember that boys often are struggling with this too. There’s a kind of surface bravado, like when they trade images and web links on e-mail. They have this kind of jocular, surface, male bravado kind of conversation that allows them to circulate the material risk-free because it’s just joking. But what that shows is that young men are very conflicted about porn. They know there is something wrong with this, that their sexuality is reduced to 7 minutes or less of masturbating while online. It produces an incredible amount of insecurity in men.

So whatever kind of bravado parents get from boys may just be masking the terror on the inside. Boys don’t understand sexuality, they’re scared of it, they’re aware that they usually are a step behind the girls in development. That’s scary to them. And then you put that fear into a situation where they’re watching a hyper-sexualized image of masculinity, that they know they will never be able to meet. That says to me that boys are a mess, and so the more conversation with parents the better.

Of course, all of this assumes a healthy communication between the parents, which is why I always say that the first step is for parents to get together and deal with their own fears.

That addresses boys, but what about girls? What can parents do to help their girls survive in this pornography-saturated, hyper-sexualized society?

If you’re a young woman, and you see the outline of the sexual culture that you live in (male dominant, hyper-sexualized, etc.), and you think it’s not going to change, many girls have the not unreasonable response that if you can’t beat it, join it. They take as an assumption that men are going to set the terms of sexual dominance as a form of pleasure acquisition (i.e., not intimacy). If you’re a woman, or a girl, you may not believe that is what sexual encounters should be. But nevertheless it seems to be the way things are, and if you don’t have any counter-cultural way to see the world, you may assume that if you can’t change it, you can take control of it. That’s where this hook-up, Girls Gone Wild culture comes from. So girls trying to use their sexuality as power may just be making the best of a bad situation. But the problem is that it still doesn’t meet teenagers’ deeply felt need for intimacy and love.

So what do you do as a parent in this culture? It’s mostly trying to provide an alternative when there aren’t many alternatives out there. Some teenagers take this into their own hands, and decide as a group that they are taking sex off the table and interact as a group, as close friends who don’t date, making a safe space for themselves. The problem is that as a kid, you can’t do that alone.

The reason we have to pay attention to pornography, and the reason we have to talk with our kids about it, is because we have to talk to them about their sexuality and we have to talk with them about what kind of people they are becoming. This is really just part of that broader question of what kind of people they want to be.

So I don’t have any great insights about helping kids worth through the issues inherent in pornography, just that it’s something as parents we have to talk to our kids about. And part of that is coming to terms, and talking with them, about our own struggles with the issue.

Checking for testicular cancer - male nudity in video

2007-08-17T05:45:00.001-06:00

My 17-year-old brother had surgery yesterday to determine whether or not he has testicular cancer. We'll know for sure in about 10 days. When was the last time you or your son/husband/father got checked for testicular cancer? This video shows men how to do a routine exam for themselves. The men in the video are, of course, nude when they are doing the exams.

Thank you to the American Sexuality blog for posting this video as well.

Saying yes

2007-08-16T05:48:00.000-06:00

With teenagers, as with toddlers, parents should try to say yes as often as possible. There are so many, many things to say no to (drugs, alcohol, sex, the bad friends, the wrong date, buying a new car, wearing too much make-up, dropping out of school, going to that concert/party/drag racing event, and the list goes on). But teenagers have a really, really hard time hearing "No." and respecting it. They are on a relentless drive to make their own mistakes.

So what to do? Try your hardest to find something - one little, tiny part of what they want - to say yes to. An easy example is preteens' desire for wearing make-up. One solution may be to allow them to wear only eyeshadow (or whatever), but nothing else. And only after school.

The most common problem situation that parents have trouble saying yes to is that person your teenager wants to date. Something in you responds to something in that person, and you know that they are up to no good. Now, some teenagers will be able to hear you when you say that. Some teenagers might even appreciate some dating advice from their parents. But let's be honest: there aren't very many who feel that way. Most teenagers will do whatever they can to get together with someone who their parents have forbidden them to meet. The point is not to forbid your teenager from meeting someone. But do frame the parameters within which your teenager can meet someone.

Here are some examples of parameters you might find useful:

They can meet only at your house, when you are home.
They will stay in the living room.
They can talk on the phone all they like, but they cannot meet in person.
They can go public places together, but only if you are present at the same place, and they must stay within your line of site (if not listening range). The object of your teenager's affection doesn't even have to know you are there watching over them.

The point is that you are creating a situation which you feel like you can live with. You may not be happy about it, it might not be a situation you would ever consider to be best. But the point is that you can abide the situation until the relationship subsides. And your teenager is much less likely to throw him/herself into the arms of his/her beloved simply because you have forbidden it.

How To Use A Condom

2007-08-15T05:47:00.001-06:00

If you're too embarrassed to show your teenager how to put on a condom, you can show them this video instead. The sound is only a nice jazzy background tune.

How many people have you had sex with?

2007-08-14T05:22:00.000-06:00

The NY Times published a short piece on Sunday called The Myth, The Math, The Sex. It discusses the impossibility of large differences in numbers of sex partners between men and women. Here is their statement of the problem:

One survey, recently reported by the federal government, concluded that men had a median of seven female sex partners. Women had a median of four male sex partners. Another study, by British researchers, stated that men had 12.7 heterosexual partners in their lifetimes and women had 6.5.

This is a statistical impossibility. In a given population, with a set number of sexual encounters between men and women, the average number of sexual experiences between men and women must be equal.

So where are all of those other sex partners coming from? Two ridiculous suggestions by Dr. Sevgi O. Aral, associate director for science in the division of sexually transmitted disease prevention at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, are that those extra partners are made up of foreigners and prostitutes.

Is she serious?? Before I can go on, I have to stop and have a really good laugh at this one. This suggests that the US average man has had sex with three (3!!) female foreigners or prostitutes. Oh, but not British women, clearly, because they're not having sex as much as their men either, so they're not skewing the American data. It must be women from a nation full of sex-craved, American-huntresses like Canada or Tunisia that are throwing our data.

Okay, but Dr. Aral does go on to make one decent suggestion addressing this statistical anomaly. She suggests - gasp! - that both men and women might exaggerate (i.e., lie) about the number of sexual partners they have had. This seems pretty likely. Men probably increase the number and women probably decrease the number.

However, this same analysis cannot be used for adolescent sexual partners. Adolescents have sex with non-adolescents with some regularity, so a difference in average number of sex partners may be more legitimate.

However, the only real statistically significant difference in number of sex partners between adolescent girls and boys is that boys apparently start having sex younger than girls. Again, let's think about this more closely. For that under-13 group, boys report having had sex more often than girls. Who on earth are those boys having sex with? It's just so unlikely that high numbers of girls who are older than 13 are deciding to have sex with boys who are under 13.

So the summary is that people, regardless of their age, lie about how many people they have had have sex with. We should accept that, and start labeling these statistical charts and graphs "Reported Number of Sexual Partners." It's more honest, and it explains the statistical impossibility.

Thank you for reading this short public announcement on analyzing statistical data. Let's end on this note: Think about what you read! Just because our government or any other organization published a study doesn't mean the numbers or the theories based on those numbers make sense!

Pornography and Adolescents

2007-08-13T05:28:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers, I know that some of you have very strong, emotional reactions to pornography. I describe one pornographic image in the third paragraph. In my last paragraph, I ask for your comments on and personal experience with porn.

This post is in preparation for my interview on Thursday with Robert Jensen, author of Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. This is a really fascinating book. It prompted me to examine my personal relationship with pornography for the first time.

I was maybe 11 when I saw my first porn picture. I was walking on a street near my house alone, and there was a piece of paper on the ground. It was maybe 4 by 6 inches and seemed to be torn out of a small book. So of course, always the avid reader, I picked it up. What stands out in my memory is a naked woman, bending over, with only the top of her thighs to her lower back showing. It was extremely lurid and disturbing. There were at least two other people in the picture, both naked, but all that I remember of them is what seemed to be vast acres of naked flesh. I did not really understand what I saw, but I was horrified, dropped the paper, and ran off. I was afraid someone would see me and think the picture was mine. I would have been able to describe the image in some detail, but I don't think I could have identified the body parts I was seeing. It was only years later, looking back, that I was able to identify the subject of this image that still stood so clearly in my mind.

The next porn pictures I saw were maybe six months to a year later. A friend and I were in a neighborhood pharmacy. The staff knew me well. My friend and I peeked inside the blocked-out plastic cover on a Playboy and saw the picture on the front cover. We also peeked inside at a few pages. I remember the event more than the images. That we were clearly doing something illicit was delightful. We giggled and jostled for a better view. We may have also picked up a Playgirl and peeked inside. The pictures were not nearly as searing or painful as the one I picked up off the street. They seemed to be from completely different genres, and I did not connect them in my mind.

None of the men I dated in high school or college were particularly interested in porn. At least they didn't admit to me that they were, and I remained blissfully ignorant. I probably would have thrown a complete fit and used it as grounds for a break-up had I discovered otherwise. I probably would not have been able to articulate why I was so distressed by my boyfriend using porn. Pornographic pictures became, while still uncommon, at least not-shocking over my college years. They continued to make me feel slightly ill, in an undefined, unexamined kind of way.

I am interested in hearing about your early experiences with pornography, both as a child and as an adolescent. Were they positive or negative? How did they shape (or not shape) your current perspective on porn? What kinds of experiences are common for boys versus girls? I would also love to know what place you think porn has (or does not have) in the adolescent mind?

Adolescent sex offenders Part 3: Legal issues

2007-08-10T06:56:00.000-06:00

In case you missed the first or second part in this series, we are discussing the recent NY Times article on adolescent sex offenders. This is the last post in a three-part series.

The primary focus of the law as it relates to adolescent sex offenders is how to keep potential future victims safe. This is, of course, appropriate. However, assessing whether an adolescent is likely to commit a second sexual offense is difficult because of adolescents’ rapid social, emotional, and cognitive development. However, research suggests that only about 20-25% of adolescent sex offenders commit a second sex offense. This is a much lower rate than adult sex offenders. Even fewer of these adolescents will grow-up to become rapist or pedophiles - perhaps only 10%.

Nevertheless, the laws that address adolescent sex offenders, both on a state and federal level, are becoming increasingly punitive and stringent. Researchers and experts, however, suggest that a less punitive approach produces the best possible outcomes for adolescent sex offenders. New federal legislation called the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act will, among other things, mandate that over the next two years all states include adolescent sex offenders 14 years and older in community notification laws. As I alluded to on Wednesday, this means that for the first time in over 100 years, a minor’s records will be accessible to the public. The Times article says this:

The theory is that children are less responsible for their actions, and thus less blameworthy, than adults and more amenable to rehabilitation. But by publishing their photographs and addresses on the Internet, community notification suggests that juveniles with sex offenses are in a separate, distinct category from other adolescents in the juvenile justice system – more fixed in their traits and more dangerous to the public. It suggests, in other words, that they are more like adult sex offenders than they are like kids.

The that adolescent sex offenders are more like adult sex offenders than like children is directly contradicted by what we know about adolescent sex offenders. Their cognitive, emotional, and social development are on trajectories much more similar to other adolescents. Their recidivism rates are much lower. Even the way they commit the offense is quite different. Sex offenses perpetrated by adolescents tend to be committed on an impulse or a whim, while adult sex offenders are much more likely to groom specific children for some time before they commit an offense.

Sex offenders are a highly inflammatory issue. No doubt some politicians believe throwing out the term “Tough on Sex Offenders” in election year commercials will get them votes in the up coming elections. No doubt some politicians believe they are actually doing the best thing by cracking down as hard as they can on all sex offenders, regardless of age. Because, after all, the victim’s experience is the same. But the offender’s experience is not the same across age groups. And pushing everyone into one category is a severe disservice to the adolescents.

"Can I go, Dad?? Please??": Teenagers and the Austin City Limits Music Festival

2007-08-09T05:34:00.000-06:00

A dad I spoke with recently, we'll call him Tony, is having trouble with his 14-year-old daughter, who we'll call Sara. Sara wants to go to the Austin City Limits Music Festival this year with a gaggle of her 14-year-old friends. If you are unfamiliar with the ACL festival, it is a three day, outside concert with several stages and lots and lots and lots of people (see above picture, taken at the 2004 festival). Also, cell phones often don't work because of the crush of people trying to use them. It's fabulous fun if great, live music is your thing.

Tony feels Sara is too young to go without adult supervision. His primary concern is that there will be drugs at the festival (he is, of course, correct), and he doesn't want Sara exposed to drug use. Sara pointed out that she has seen people using drugs before (primarily smoking marijuana), and has no interest in doing them herself. Tony and Sara's tentative agreement is that she can go with her friends for one day. When Tony made that agreement he was not aware that Sara's cell phone might not work at the festival.

But it is totally appropriate for Tony to put his foot down on this one. Sara is getting close to an age when she can go to the ACL festival with a gaggle of girls and no supervision. But she's not there yet. Fourteen-year-old girls need a chaperon at an event this big and unruly. They don't need a constant chaperon - but one of the parents (or a particularly cool aunt or uncle) who would enjoy going to the festival anyway needs to be on-site. The girls need to check-in with that adult at specified times and places. This gives the girls the most freedom at the least trouble. There are too many contingencies where then girls would benefit from an adult being available - including just getting tired and wanting to go home before they thought they would. In two more years, one of the girls could drive the whole group, and by then they'll be old enough to go without any supervision.

Adolescent sex offenders Part 2: Social and psychological implications

2007-08-08T06:48:00.000-06:00

In case you missed the first part in this series, we are discussing the recent NY Times article on adolescent sex offenders. This is the second post in a three-part series.

Adolescent social, emotional, psychological, and cognitive development is quite rapid. Almost every aspect of an adolescent is, for those few years, almost always changing. This complicates matters for adolescent sex offenders particularly because the individual who commit a sex offense may be a very different person even just two years later, and may pose no threat of a repeat offense. Indeed, the recidivism rate for adolescent sex offenders is much lower than for adult sex offenders, and research suggests that only about 10% of adolescent sex offenders will become adult rapists or pedophiles. But the stigma of having committed a sexual offense does not wane as an adolescent changes.

Sexual offense, in some states and soon to be nationally, is the only offense in which a minor’s legal records are not sealed. I will discuss this legal issue in more depth on Friday, but for now it is enough to know that an adolescent sex offender’s peers and their peers’ parents can find out that an adolescent has committed a sex offense by looking through on-line registries of sexual offenders. Additionally, all potential employers for the rest of the individual’s life can find out that they committed a sexual offense as a minor.

In other words: (1) adolescents are ever changing, and are at a relatively low risk of repeat offenses and (2) sex offense records are not sealed. The implication of these two pieces of information are that there are serious hurdles for this population to re-integrate into society to the fullest extent they are capable. School mates and their parents, future employers, and just about anyone else can discover that these adolescents have committed a sex offense in on-line registries. This can severely impede adolescents’ ability to make and keep friends, jobs, or any of the relationships that form communities that support pro-social behavior.

What does all this really mean? Is it appropriate that a sexual offense that a young person commits at age 11 follows them through the rest of their lives? What about a 13-year-old? A 17-year-old? The crux of the problem is that there is not one good answer for those questions. Adolescents can develop too quickly and go in too many directions for blanket statements about how to respond to them, based either on age or offense. This statement applies more strongly to younger adolescents, because they have even more time for dramatic personal changes.

People in our society, children and adults, have the right to be protected from sex offenders. But the other side of that coin is that it is inappropriate to ostracize adolescents because of a sex offense, and regardless of their response to treatment. Indeed, this may increase the likelihood that they will not have the opportunity to become fully functioning adults.

So what we need are not arbitrary, fear-based responses to adolescent sex offenders. Rather, we need professionals who are able to sit with these young people, lead them toward appropriate self-monitoring and boundaries, and support them in building healthy relationships. These professionals need to be able to see the signs of a likely repeat-offender. But they also need to be able to see the signs of unlikely repeat-offenders. I am much more comfortable thinking about these very troubled young people being perceived and treated as unique individuals in unique situations by highly skilled professionals.

What do you think? Should adolescent sex offenders be treated differently than adult sex offenders? As I mentioned in the first post, the victim’s experience is the same. Why should the way we treat the perpetrator be different? I believe it is the nature of the adolescent that demands the difference. But I am interested in hearing other people’s perspectives.

Adolescent trends in anal sex

2007-08-07T05:10:00.000-06:00

I am on a continuing search for information about adolescents and anal sex. I recently ran across an article that suggests 25% of adolescent relationships include anal sex, with 10% including anal sex on a regular basis (Baldwin & Baldwin, 2000). Another article reports that 10% of the study participants (who were 18 - 21) had engaged in receptive anal intercourse, while 27% had engaged in insertive anal intercourse (Ompad, 2006).

What to think about this information? Well, more than anything else it suggests that the tried-and-true method of keeping adolescents from having anal sex (i.e., not mentioning it because then they won't know about it) isn't working. Adolescents are having anal sex, folks. Not as much as they're having oral or vaginal sex, but nevertheless we cannot ignore these numbers. Anal sex can be dangerous and have serious long-term health implications. In addition to the high risk of STD transmission, there is a real risk of injury if care and lots of lube are not used.

So, while I know that in the current sex education climate getting educators to mention condoms in relation to vaginal intercourse is an uphill battle, I am stating my position here and now that we also need to talk to teenagers about safe anal intercourse. Not in over explicit ways, and not to 10-year-olds. But anal-sex information has its place in age-appropriate, information-based sex education. Because teenagers are already doing it.

References

Baldwin, J.I. & Baldwin, J.D. (2000). Heterosexual Anal Intercourse: An understudied, high-risk sexual behavior. Archives of sexual behavior, 29, (4): 357-373.

Ompad, D.C. (2006). Predictors of early initiation of vaginal and oral sex among urban young adults in Baltimore, Maryland. Archives Of Sexual Behavior. Archives of sexual behavior, 35 (1): 53-65.

Adolescent sex offenders Part 1: Defining the issue

2007-08-06T04:59:00.000-06:00

There was an article in the New York Times Magazine on July 22nd about adolescent sex offenders. The article primarily focused on the relevant psychological/developmental issues and how they relate to recidivism rates and the changing legal landscape. I will discuss this article over three posts this week, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Today I will outline the problem, on Wednesday I will discuss the social/psychological implications, and on Friday I will discuss the legal landscape for the adolescent perpetrators. Depending on the number of comments and depth of conversation, I may add one or two more posts on the topic next week.

To give you a sense of the range of individuals included in the term "adolescent sex offender," here are two of the more extreme examples described in the Times: (1) an 11-year-old girl who touched a 7-year-old's penis two to three times and asked him to touch her vagina once, and (2) a 17-year-old-boy who has repeatedly made young children have intercourse with him. Now, most situations are not as clear-cut as these two. The first is probably not rape, the second absolutely is. The young girl needs instruction on appropriate boundaries, while the young man needs to be incarcerated. Most cases of adolescent sex offenders are not as clear. Most adolescent sex offenders are boys around 13- and 14-years-old, however there is substantial variation within the group.

One of the important pieces of information that needs to be known about adolescent sex offenders is that the vast majority (90% or more) will not become rapists of pedophiles, according to Mark Chaffin, an expert on the subject. The article states that research suggests that recidivism rates for adolescent sex offenders is about 10%.

It was clear that the Times reporter, Maggie Jones, had a bias towards believing adolescent sex offenders are treated too harshly, and that, at least the younger adolescents, cannot truly be held accountable for their actions. While I am not in complete disagreement with Ms. Jones, I am concerned that her bias colored what information she included. It is my goal to provide a more nuanced discussion of this issue than I believe Ms. Jones did.

I had three very strong reactions to this piece. These will be my guiding principles for discussion over the series. First, victims of a sexual offence feel the same violation of their body regardless of the offender’s age. Put a different way, discussion about adolescent sex offenders as different from adult sex offenders does not mean that the victims are any different. This point must not be overlooked or left unstated. Second, adolescents are different from adults in many ways. Adolescent sex offenders are different from adult sex offenders in many ways. A discussion of an offense as serious as sexual molestation by an adolescent or a pre-adolescent cannot take place outside of the context of the cognitive, emotional, and psychological development that is occurring across those ages. And third, while academics and clinicians seem to be gaining understanding about how to help these adolescents in the best way possible, there seems to be little guidance for parents. I am always in favor of prevention methods rather than post-offense punishment. I wonder what the warning signs of a potential adolescent sex offender may be, and how parents and society as a whole could recognize them and respond appropriately before an offense takes place?

As I mentioned in a post last week, this is a very difficult topic. Nevertheless, a conversation about adolescent sexuality it incomplete without addressing the more painful, inappropriate sexual actions taken by adolescents. I appreciate you staying with me through this conversation, and adding to it as you are comfortable and able.

Adolescent sexuality in the movies

2007-08-03T05:06:00.000-06:00

I saw Hairspray last night. It was good, campy fun. I was really struck by the innocence of the dating relationships. When compared to American Pie and the dreadful genre of movies it has inspired, Hairspray was a delightful return to the fumbling, romantic interest many teenagers experience.

I am not saying that some teenagers' prime motive for dating isn't sex. I am not even saying that most teenagers' prime motive for dating isn't sex. But for many teenagers the reason they're dating is that inexplicably heady feeling that they get when a certain someone walks into the room. Not a certain feeling in their groin.

Our current spate of hyper-sexualized media teaches teenagers that sex is the reason they should be dating. And that's just stupid. I wish we could have more movies like Hairspray - something that portrays the adolescent experience as something other than a 24/7 search for that first (and subsequent) roll in the hay. Maybe I'll start my own movie company. What do you say? Who'll go in with me on this one?

Rape, pornography, and adolescent sexuality

2007-08-02T05:55:00.000-06:00

I am currently working on several posts about the seedier side of sexuality. The first is about the recent article in the New York Times Magazine about adolescent sex offenders. (To be clear, these are teenagers or pre-teenagers who have engaged in sexual behavior with children who are at least two years younger than they are.) The second is about the new book Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity by Robert Jensen. After posting one or two discussions of Dr. Jensen's book, I will post a conversation between me and Dr. Jensen here.

In the meantime, I am spending much of my time reading and thinking about these very painful issues. I am reminded that sex, for many, is something to be endured. For others, there is an obsession about sexuality, and sex becomes the focus of every waking thought. Sex is far to often tied-up with power, pain, and rape. These should be issues that adolescents are free from. Adolescents deserve the space to discover their sexuality without these unbearable forces breathing down their necks. Far too often, though, it is the teenagers who are just awakening to their sexuality who take the brunt of societal angst and anger around sex.

So I am asking for your input. How can we prepare our teenagers to stand in this social context and maintain a healthy sexuality? How can we help our teenagers respect their bodies and everyone else's body? How can we bring about a sexual revolution?

Cartoon, additional comments

2007-08-01T13:58:00.002-06:00

There have been a few additional comments to the cartoon I posted earlier this morning. I re-watched the cartoon, and I agree with the comments - that it contained really inappropriate sexual behavior by one of the characters (the mother). So I've deleted it. I've found another, shorter clip, that includes only the part where the students are watching and reacting to the abstinence-only presentation.

I apologize for the offensive nature of the original.

New, shorter abstinence cartoon

2007-08-01T13:58:00.001-06:00

Abstinence-only funding increased...by the democrats

2007-08-01T05:50:00.001-06:00

While I was on vacation the House "democrats" voted to INCREASE funding for abstinence-only-before-marriage sex education. I'm outraged that anything this outrageous could have happened while I was gone!

To drive my point home, let's review. Here is the legal definition of a program that meets the requirements of "abstinence-only":

Have as its exclusive purpose teaching the social, psychological, and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity.
Teach abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children.
Teach that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems.
Teach that a mutually faithful, monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of sexual activity.
Teach that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.
Teach that bearing children out of wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child's parents, and society.
Teach young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances.
Teach the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity.

You can read the entire bill, as it was passed in the house. However, here is the part that deals with abstinence-only "sex education":

Provided further, That $136,664,000 shall be for making competitive grants to provide abstinence education (as defined by section 510(b)(2) of the Social Security Act) to adolescents, and for Federal costs of administering the grant: Provided further, That grants under the immediately preceding proviso shall be made only to public and private entities which agree that, with respect to an adolescent to whom the entities provide abstinence education under such grant, the entities will not provide to that adolescent any other education regarding sexual conduct, except that, in the case of an entity expressly required by law to provide health information or services the adolescent shall not be precluded from seeking health information or services from the entity in a different setting than the setting in which abstinence education was provided: Provided further, That within amounts provided herein for abstinence education for adolescents, up to $10,000,000 may be available for a national abstinence education campaign: Provided further, That in addition to amounts provided herein for abstinence education for adolescents, $4,500,000 shall be available from amounts available under section 241 of the Public Health Service Act to carry out evaluations (including longitudinal evaluations) of adolescent pregnancy prevention approaches: Provided further, That up to $2,000,000 shall be for improving the Public Assistance Reporting Information System, including grants to States to support data collection for a study of the system’s effectiveness.

I'll be frank. This makes me want to vomit. Why on earth are we spending our money on this useless crud? But my arguments against abstinence-only "sex education", as well as other's arguments, are already relatively well documented in other posts. Mostly I wanted to keep everyone informed about this nonsense. And, as I have suggested before, please call your representatives and senators and tell them you want abstinence-only "sex education" out of the schools. And let me know if you do make those calls or send those e-mails - I'd love to hear about your experience!

Spider-Man and Planned Parenthood team-up, 1970's style!

2007-07-31T06:13:00.002-06:00

Yep, here’s a real treat folks. Marvel Comics and Planned Parenthood teamed up in 1976 to publish a comic book on safe sex. The villain is an alien who wants teenagers to pop out babies so he can steal them and take them back to his home planet as slaves. To further his plan, the villain teaches the teenagers of American falsehoods about pregnancy and pregnancy prevention, lulling them into having rampant, unprotected sex. Here’s the villain providing sufficient exposition for the purposes of the story:

Spider-Man manages to save the day just in the nick of time, taking out a whole slew of guards and the evil alien to boot.

The comic is followed by a delightful page that tells the readers about pregnancy, VD (when did they stop using that term?), masturbation, and homosexuality. Only some of the information is still good information – but I suspect this comic had the potential to positively influence young boys in the 70’s.

But really, it’s worth reading all the way through this 18-page gem on Andrew Fargo’s blog.

Thanks to Radikelsey at Fun with Feminism for the link.

The hook-up

2007-07-30T06:05:00.000-06:00

I am delighted to say that I am back from vacation, renewed and refreshed, and ready to dive back in to the daily fray.

One of the places I went on vacation was a Unitarian Universalist family church camp. This is a place I have gone for many years, and I saw many old friends while I was there. One of the topics of conversation over the week was how many adolescents and adults hook-up while they are there. (A hook-up can generally be described as having a romantic and/or sexual attraction to someone and acting on it for part or the duration of the week. It does not always mean sexual intercourse, but does imply some sexual activity.) The intensity of being away from home, with many new people, most of whom have similar world views, all day and night for a week lends itself to strong connections. Some of those turn out to be romantic/sexual.

This is not a phenomenon that is restricted to Unitarian Universalist circles (although it is often quite prevalent in those places). Hook-ups happen anywhere adolescents (and sometimes adults) gather for a weekend to a week or more for just about any reason.

I think that hook-ups can be beneficial or harmful, depending on the situation and the teenagers involved. In general, it is important for teenagers to interact sexually/romantically with at least several peers in order to hone their skill at determining the kind of person they like to date - hooking-up can provide some good insights on this. This can include some experimentation with sexual identity. However, hook-ups can also provide for some serious heartaches and heartbreaks. Being able to see and accept the hook-up for what it is (generally a short-term, place-specific encounter) is hard for many young people - but they may not have thought to check-in with the individual of their desire to inquire about their short or long-term intentions.

Have any of you had experiences with hook-ups? How did they turn out? Do you think of your experiences as essentially helpful or essentially hurtful to your romantic and/or sexual development?

How to build trust

2007-07-28T02:39:00.000-06:00

I want to speak more on the response to my last post. My youngest daughter trusted me and felt that she could make an agreement with me and then honor that agreement. How did that come about? It is possible that my older daughter also trusted me - she also made an agreement with me and she may have honored it, I hope so, but I have no way of knowing for sure. Both my daughters are healthy and happy today, responsible adults living good lives. This is the bottom line of what I wanted for them. I am happy they have it. I had a part in that, but what part? And, could I recreate it with any child/youth? Of course not.

There are no absolutes. But, there are certainly tried and proven methods for developing relationships with children that foster trust and build relationship that enables the child/youth to turn to the parent/adult with trust that what they have to say will be heard and honored and willingness to listen to the responsive thoughts, beliefs, and hopes of the parent/adult.

The tried and proven method primarily involves recognizing from an early age that children are fully human beings, not less than adults. That children can not run their own lives yet, but their opinions and preferences are important enough to ask after and consider as decisions are being made. Not that their opinions and preferences are always the deciding factor, but that they are one of the factors in the decision. That the child/youth understands, through many repetitions and experiences, that adults also do not always get to make decisions in which the adults opinions and preferences are met either. But, the children/youth are able to see that to the best of their ability, the parents/adults work to meet the opionions/preferences of the youth as hard as they work to meet their own opinions/preferences. When the preferences diverge, sometimes the kids get what they want instead of the parents getting what they want. The parents gracefully allow for that. Sometimes the parents get what they want and encourage (by example and discussion) for the kids to gracefully allow for that.

This can sound easier than it feels - I had a hard time with it, but looking back, I know it is one of the main reasons my daughters still honor me - I ALWAYS honored them, I always was willing to listen to their opinion and treat it as a valid opinion, and tell them when I disagreed and why I disagreed, but did not require that they change their opinion.

Does this sound doable to you? Have you tried it with your children? It is possible to shift into this perspective no matter what age your child - none is too young and none is too old. Let me know what you think.

When is it okay for teens to have sex?

2007-07-26T06:41:00.000-06:00

Dr. Robert Wm. Blum was online with the Washington Post on Tuesday, May 16, at 11 a.m. ET to field questions and comments about risk and protective factors associated with sexually active teenagers. You can read the whole column here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2006/05/12/DI2006051201149.html One of the questions and answers is:

Cambridge, Mass.: Why is it generally assumed that it is bad for adolescents to have sex? Of course, there is the risk of STDs; but this risk can be managed, and doesn't seem to be what really bothers people about adolescent sexuality. There is also the argument that adolescents are something like too "emotionally immature" for sexual relations; but this is a mushy argument that doesn't explain why emotional maturity is needed, what it is, and whether or not adolescents generally, or can ever, have it. So if we leave aside the specter of STDs and avoid mushy generalities: should adolescents ever be sexually active, and, if so, under what conditions?

Dr. Robert Wm. Blum: The question is complicated since "adolescence" spans an 8 to 10 year period depending on how you define it and there is a lot of development that occurs during that time. The issues: when there is a wide difference in age between 2 adolescents (often defined as more than 3 years) it may very well be an unequal power relationship; 2. developmentally, some young adolescents may not really understand what they are consenting to when they have consensual sex. There is little data, however, that shows that young people who willingly engage in mutually consenting, non-abusive sexual relations are harmed by it.

When my younger daughter decided to "go all the way", as we had agreed she would, she talked to me about it first. I was fixing breakfast (I can still see the setting very clearly although it was many years ago) and she walked up and said "You know how we agreed I'd tell you if I was going to have sex? Well, I'm going to." I could not even speak, I could not even breath, I CERTAINLY could not imagine (for a moment) why I had suggested I wanted this information. We (most adults, certainly most parents of teens) have so much trouble believing teens can make responsible, healthy sexual decisions and engage in responsible, healthy sexual behavior. Why is this? How do we decide when it is okay for our kids to become fully sexual beings? I don't know - what do you think?

Abuse and it's consequences

2007-07-23T23:35:00.000-06:00

When I was a child and young adolescent, I had several very inappropriate experiences with significantly older youth and with men. This was pretty hurtful to me. I ended up acting out sexually, promiscuously. I think there was connection, but who knows? I was in the time period of drug, sex, rock and roll, so perhaps my behavior would have been the same. But, I didn't have any adult that I felt loved and respected me. I didn't have any adult I felt I could talk to. I was in pain and bewildered and I didn't know where to turn, so I tried turning to physical comfort, which turned into sexuality, which was not comforting at all. But, I didn't know how to stop it.
When I had my children, I tried to tell them every way I could find that they could always talk to me, that I was a safe person for them, that their body was their own and no one else was allowed to touch them if it made them uncomfortable. But still, my younger daughter was molested by a family member and did not tell me for some time, during which time, the abuse continued.
When I found out about the abuse, I was very protective and I got her the best therapy I could find (I never felt that it was very helpful, but I knew she needed more than I know how to give to resolve it). I tried to give her privacy, but still check in that she was okay. I felt inadequate and scared for her and for me. But, I was very aware when she was moving into early and middle adolescence that the past could reach out and bite her again. I worried with some of her boyfriends - they reminded me of the abusive family member and I was scared for her. She turned out fine. She has tremendous emotional heath and resiliency and I believe she has a healthy sexual life and attitude.
Building relationship with your children, from the earliest possible time, so that they know they can trust you - this is the best protection you can give them. Without that foundation (which still wasn't enough) my daughter might have gone on being molested for years. Instead, it stopped within 9 months of the first occurance, because she did finally tell me. Build your relationship with your children. Let them know that you will believe them and listen to them and consider what they say thoughtfully.

A Show of Hands

2007-07-21T03:46:00.000-06:00

The New York Times had an article by Stephanie Rosenbloom called "A Show of Hands" on 10/5/06 (it can no longer be read online without subscribing).
Some of what she said is that "Nowadays hand-holding has attracted the interest of scientists who are studying its effects on the body and mind. And sexual health educators say it is a much-discussed topic among gay students who now publicly hold hands more than ever before but still must consider whether they want to declare their sexuality."
In many cultures, same sex hand holding and even arms around bodies as you walk together is not considered sexual at all. In our culture, for a parent and child to hold hands is a normal occurrence - at what age does this begin to be seen as a sexual couple, rather than a couple of another type?
When my niece was 11 or 12, she and I were out for the evening at a holiday festival gathering. We were enjoying our time together and holding hands as we left the event. A woman entering the event saw us walk out together (neither of us had ever seen this woman before), holding hands (my niece did look older than 12), and this woman took a deep breath and said "Oh, wow, you are lesbians, aren't you?" My niece dropped my hand, I laughed and said "No, sorry, just loving relatives." and we walked away. My niece has never held my hand again. That was a loss to me and I think probably to her also.
It is now more than 10 years later and my niece is a lesbian. She has a wonderful partner and is living a good life. I wonder how that incident impacted her thinking, if at all. We don't talk about things like that, so I won't ask her. But, I can ask you. Who do you hold hands with? Who sees you? Is it always sexual?

Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult

2007-07-17T23:53:00.000-06:00

Children and adolescents gather information from watching the adults around them. The Sexuality Infomation and Education Council of the United States (http://www.siecus.org/) has compiled a list of Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult. Reading this list, I think an adult (or child, or adolescent) who is exhibiting these behaviors is healthy in more ways than 'just' sexually. What do you think?

Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult

A sexually healthy adult will:
Appreciate one’s own body.
Seek further information about reproduction as needed.
Affirm that human development includes sexual development, which may or may not include reproductive or sexual experience.
Interact with all genders in respectful and appropriate ways.
Affirm one’s own sexual orientation and respect the sexual orientations of others.
Affirm one’s own gender identities and respect the gender identities of others.
Express love and intimacy in appropriate ways.
Develop and maintain meaningful relationships.
Make informed choices about family options and relationships.
Exhibit skills that enhance personal relationships.
Identify and live according to one’s own values.
Take responsibility for one’s own behavior.
Practice effective decision-making.
Develop critical-thinking skills.
Communicate effectively with family, peers, and romantic partners.
Enjoy and express one’s sexuality throughout life.
Express one’s sexuality in ways that are congruent with one’s values.
Enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting on them.

Source: http://www.siecus.org/pubs/guidelines/guidelines.pdf

And here is a picture of a young adult - tell me your opinion - is this adult exhibiting Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult? Why or why not?

First Thoughts from Kathy

2007-07-15T23:29:00.000-06:00

My experience as a parent of an adolescent is that the sexuality stuff was so scary to me that it was hard to even begin to talk with my girls about it. I think I had the 'normal' experience of a parent with two kids - one was easier and one was harder, but both were within reasonably easy bounds, i.e no drug use (that I know of), no promiscuity, a few incidents with alcohol, a few boyfriends I REALLY didn't like.
We traveled one summer, by bus, for the experience of the travel and I was so scared in the bus stops - I had never known how scary bus stops are for teenage girls. My girls were 14 and 12 and beautiful. The attention directed at them in bus stops was so concentrated and predatory and sexual that I had trouble breathing sometimes with the need to get the girls out of there safely. I don't remember ever talking to them about this experience, but it was repeated across the country at almost every big city bus stop we were in.
A few years later, I was still not talking much on this subject with the girls, but I finally managed to get a conversation going with them in which I was able to ask what they thought my expectations were for them sexually. They were also uncomfortable with the conversation, but finally were able to summarize what they thought I wanted for them and their sexual lives. To wait until some poorly defined 'later' to engage in intercourse, probably (they theorized) I wanted them to wait at least until they graduated high school. To probably have more than one sexual partner, as they did not believe I had strong value in them waiting for marriage to engage in intercourse. To care about their partner - not 'just to do it to get it over with'. And then they said (or one said first and the other agreed as the conversation was working) "And ALWAYS to use a condom!"
I was amazingly relieved. They had somehow absorbed what I wanted for them sexually. And, in that conversation I was also able to ask them to tell me after making the decision to have intercourse, before they "did it" (if it happened before they got out of high school). They both agreed to that. One of them followed through and we got her on the pill and she stated she understood that she still needed to use a condom. The other one didn't follow through. (Or perhaps she didn't have sex before getting out of high school. I doubt that, but I will not ask. She is an adult today and it is none of my business).
They are both competent adults today, with healthy, loving partners. I am grateful and I hope I contributed somehow, but I know I could have done better with this issue and I think that today I would do better.
I'd love to hear from other parents about their experiences, fears, and joys. I'd also love to hear from any teens (or young adults remembering their teen years) about their experiences, fears, and joys. If you prefer to share privately, feel free to email me off the page (kathymhorton@gmail.com) and I will share what you say, but not who says it. If you are comfortable with posting a comment, that's the easiest.

Heading for the hills...literally!

2007-07-13T05:31:00.000-06:00

Folks, I am going on vacation. It's been so long since I went on vacation and left all of my work behind me, I can't even say when the last time was. It was certainly not in the last two years, and probably even longer. I didn't even take off more than two days when my youngest kiddo was born.

While I'm gone, I have a special guest blogger coming in to keep you informed and entertained about adolescent sexuality over the next two weeks. Her name is Kathy Horton. She will post three times a week (Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays). Here is a little bit about Kathy, so you'll know where she's writing from:

"I'm a psychotherapist with old ties to the Austin Waldorf School and the Austin pagan community. I have two adult daughters who successfully navigated their adolescent sexuality (with of course, much anxiety on my part). "

I think Kathy will treat you well and provide you with interesting food for thought. Be kind to her and give her lots of feedback through your comments. I will be back, renewed and refreshed, on July 30th.

Condom Commercial #10

2007-07-12T06:03:00.001-06:00

There is a big problem with this commercial. Most teenagers - most people I expect - would see this commercial and believe it, but be unwilling to apply it's message to their sexual partners.

Without substantial conversation, this commercial just wouldn't influence many people's actions. Convincing teenagers that their partners might - gasp! - lie to them, or even decline to mention something as huge as an HIV infection is a major uphill battle. This commercial doesn't even begin to fight that battle. (Similarly, nor would simply quoting that statistical factoid to your teenager without serious follow-up.)

The connections between love and sex

2007-07-11T01:54:00.000-06:00

I am currently reading a short book called Sex in the light of Reincarnation and Freedom by Alan Howard (1980). Howard is a lecturer and writer about anthroposophy and Steiner education. I am grappling with his book, which is really the only discussion of sexuality from a Steiner perspective that I have found. Here are several quotes which I find quite evocative:

"Love is not something that happens; love is something we create. A powerful, dynamic attraction can happen to us, but not love. If, therefore, on the basis of such an attraction only, two people hasten into marriage with all the trappings of 'till-death-us-do-part', then they are likely to discover that all kinds of other things can happen too."

"Sex is certainly one of the expressions of love, but love itself has nothing to do with sex. Love is devotion to the destiny of the one loved... It imposes no restraints, sexual or otherwise. It makes no demands; it is not possessive. It is faithful only to itself, to love; and many can be loved as easily as one."

I am still mulling over the implications of these and other points by Howard. And I wonder, what might be different for an adolescent who had this perspective of love, rather than the romantic ideal presented through the books, movies, and music of our time?

Casual sex

2007-07-10T04:47:00.000-06:00

I encourage my readers to send me questions they want to know the answer to. First, because it provides me with an easy topic for the day. Second, because if you're wondering something, the likelihood is that other people are too. With that in mind, here is a question from a regular reader:

Is it true that young people today are, as a group, taking a more casual view of the emotional aspect of sexual relations than young people of even ten years ago?

The short answer is: It's more complicated than that.

The long answer is: It really depends on what you mean by "sexual relations." It also really depends on who you ask and how they interpret the available information. Because the problem with answering this question is that we know a lot about WHAT teenagers are doing, but not much about WHY. So to give an approximate answer, I have to extrapolate from what sexual activities teenagers are actually doing, not how they actually feel or think about those activities.

It appears that teenagers are, in general, delaying sexual intercourse when compared to young people ten years ago. But not by much - something like three to six months. (This and reduced knowledge about pregnancy and STI prevention are apparently the sole legacies of abstinence-only sex education.) However, teenagers are engaging in oral (and perhaps anal) sex earlier than young people ten years ago.

So what do I think this means? We've done a pretty good job at tying together the cause and effect relationship of sexual intercourse and pregnancy/disease/emotional entanglements. Teenagers "get" that more than they used to. However, we have allowed anything except penile-vaginal intercourse to be classified as "not sex." So teenagers aren't associating oral sex (or maybe anal sex) with either disease spread or the emotional entanglements they generally ascribe to sexual intercourse.

Another short answer: In some ways yes, in some ways no.

Dan Savage on Sex Ed

2007-07-09T05:42:00.000-06:00

I've introduced Dan before - he's my favorite sex advice columnist. Here's another short intro: Dan talks about sex and tells things like they are in a way few advice columnist (or people, for that matter) are willing or able to do. He's the go-to-guy for everything from freaky to vanilla sex or relationship questions. He's also exceptionally politically minded. He's also a dad.

So I approached Dan to see if he would answer a few questions by e-mail about sex education. Here's what he had to say:

KR: What should a twelve-year-old know about sex?
Dan: Well, hopefully before 12 a kid is familiar with basic reproductive biology -- where babies come from, how babies are made, and how babies can be prevented. Kids also need to be aware of the non-reproductive aspect of sex; the pleasure of sex, the intimacy. Babies are great -- had one myself, thanks -- but adults don't have sex primarily to make babies. Adults only rarely have sex to make babies. Adults have sex for fun, and to create, cement, or shore up partner bonds. You can't leave that info out.

Kids live in a sex-saturated environment, and it's not because Disney is in cahoots with the Gay Mafia to make perverts out of all of our sweet innocent children. Children live in a world that's filled with adults, and adults are interested in sex, and have sex, and talk about sex, and sex is naturally present in media that is created by and for adults, media that children are exposed to -- just as children are exposed to adult conversations about sex, conversations that many adults assume go right over the heads of their kids. They don't -- they go right into their ears, because kids are mystified by adults, by how irrational we seem, and tormented by their absolute reliance on us for everything. They observe, they learn. And absent real information about sex, kids make up their own theories based on the incomplete, distorted information that they gather from the media, from adult conversations, and from their observations of adult relationships.

KR: What should parents do to help their kids get that knowledge?
Dan: Talk to them, of course, matter-of-factly about sex. Those conversations will be hell for all involved, of course, so I also recommend that parents identify one or two people -- trusted adults, aunts or uncles or friends -- that their kids can go to with questions about sex or relationship problems that they don't want to discuss with mom and dad. Here's the hard part: those trusted adults have to swear not to tell mom and dad what their kids asked them about, and the kids have to know that their secrets will be kept.

KR: Finally, what do you think parent's response should be to abstinence-only sex education?
Dan: I think it's time for reasonable lefties everywhere to swipe the old right-wing refrain: "No sex education in the schools! I don't want no teachers talkin' to my kids about sex. Kids should learn about sex from their parents, in the home!" So much of the sex ed that's out there now is harmful -- guilt-tripping abstinence-only crap; religious indoctrination masquerading as sex education -- that we should just oppose it, all of it. Even the stuff we think of as good, comprehensive sex ed isn't much more than basic reproductive biology -- sperm, eggs, fallopian tubes, zygotes. That can be covered in literally ten minutes.

Real sex ed, useful sex ed, isn't about reproduction at all. Sex ed should be about the stuff that's actually complicated, the stuff that's hard, the stuff that trips people up and gets 'em in trouble. Sex ed should be primarily about just one thing: how you talk people into having sex with you. That's the hard stuff, and it's the stuff that people need the most help with. Who is and who is not an appropriate sex partner? What is consent? How do you ask for consent? What are you interested in doing, or consenting to, or asking for consent from your partners to do?

Anyone doing that kind of sex ed, of course, would be accused of encouraging sexual activity -- as if. Our bodies and hormones were designed to encourage sexual activity, and we're going to be sexually active whether we're informed or not; the only question is how much danger are we going to place ourselves or others in? The only way to minimize the risks -- of pregnancy, of disease, of sexual assault -- is to dispel ignorance about the mechanics of sex but also the mechanics of negotiating sex.

Back to Karen again.

I really like Dan's approach to abstinence-only sex education. Why aren't we pitching a fit because our kids are getting false, contorted sex education? Why do we just roll our eyes and figure we'll supplement or teach the right answers at home? Just say no to sex-education by the religious right!

And here's the Laura Bush video!

2007-07-08T08:37:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Teri, an old high school buddy, for procuring it for me and you!

http://thinkprogress.org/2007/07/04/laura-bush-abstinence/

Laura Bush has her head on straight about condoms

2007-07-06T05:01:00.000-06:00

The big news in feminist and gay rights circles is that Laura Bush told CNN's Suzanne Malveaux that she believes condoms are "absolutely necessary" and that she's fine with getting rid of the abstinence-only provision in PREFAR (President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief). This is pleasing news, although hardly extraordinary or radical.

I tried to find the interview on YouTube, but it wasn't there. I also tried to find it just about anywhere else in mainstream media, and it wasn't anywhere! The Feminist Daily News (who I linked to above) says one of their sources was CNN. Now, I've searched the CNN site relatively thoroughly this morning, and there is not a word about Laura Bush saying anything in support of condoms - just in support of faith-based organizations. It seems highly unlikely to me that the Feminist Daily News would falsify their sources, particularly since, while it is very cool that Laura Bush supports appropriate condom usage, it's hardly worth lying about. It seems much more likely to me that CNN put the information out there, then realized (or were informed of?) their folly, and removed it. What's up with that??

While I've been getting more and more of my news from bloggers rather than the mainstream media (MSM), and news bloggers are by and large very disillusioned with what the MSM is willing to publish, I haven't been willing to denigrate the entire profession as being in the back pocket of the White House. My faith is beginning to slide, though.

So restore my faith in MSM! If anyone can find the story of Laura Bush supporting the inclusion of condoms in AIDS prevention on cnn.com, I'll pay you $5. If you can find a video of an actual interview, I'll pay you $10.

Sex without condoms

2007-07-05T06:35:00.001-06:00

So your teenager is having sexual intercourse. That particular cat is out of the bag, and you're stopping it is not the battle you are choosing the fight. The problem is that your son or daughter is having sexual intercourse without condoms. How do you fight that battle? Here are a few places to start:

Take them to Planned Parenthood to get tested for STDs. If you have a son, and you are looking for a bit of aversion therapy, make sure he gets tested for syphilis. (It's a particularly nasty little test, and is not always included in a general round of STD testing.)
Make sure they know that minors (i.e., those under 18) can buy condoms. It is not against the law to sell condoms to minors. In fact, they can get them free from a number of places (google free condoms to find out where).
Leave a big bowl full of condoms in your teenager's bathroom. That way, you know your teenager has access to free condoms. Make sure there are enough condoms so your teenager doesn't worry that you're trying to keep tabs on how many they're using. Refill regularly with no comments. (Costco is a source of great big boxes of condoms.)
Ask your teenager every time they leave the house if they have a condom with them. Make them show it to you. Embarrassing? Yes. Drives the point home? Absolutely.
Make sure your teenager knows how to put on a condom. You can teach them, your partner can teach them, or some other adult can teach them. But there are just several points teenagers need to know about this (check the expiration date, pay attention to the reservoir on the end, make sure the condom comes out still over the penis, etc.). If you have a boy, tell him to practice putting one on during a masturbation session.
Educate your teenager (or have someone else educate them) on how to incorporate condoms into a romantic tryst. (What to say, how to convince an unwilling partner to use one, etc.)

Teenagers have sexual intercourse without condoms for many reasons. What you are trying to do with all of this education, of course, is to listen to each reason your teenager gives you for not using a condom and respond appropriately to it. As a sex educator, I try and instill the belief that the only reason to not wear a condom is if you are actively trying to get pregnant. In that situation, the assumed action will be to include a condom during sexual intercourse, and not wearing one would require discussion.

Parental Notification and Consent Laws

2007-07-03T05:01:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, New Hampshire repealed their law which required minors to notify their parents that they were getting an abortion (the 2003 law was never enforced, due to a law suit by Planned Parenthood stating that it did not make provisions for the health and safety of the minor). Parental notification means that one or both parents must be informed of a minor's abortion before it can take place. Repealing this law, and others like it, is critical to maintaining the rights of our teenagers. Here are some clear positions on adolescent abortions that I hold to be self-evident:

Delaying sexual intercourse is often in the psychological best-interest of young people.
Nevertheless, teenagers must learn how to effectively and consistently use contraceptives, and they must follow-through on that knowledge when they make the choice to have sexual intercourse.
Abortion is absolutely the last choice, when everything else has failed.
It is best for all parties involved for teenagers to make the choice to have an abortion with a parent or other trusted adult.
There are some parents who would not respond reasonably or appropriately to knowledge about their teenager daughter's (a) sexual activity and (b) pregnant status.
These young girls must, in some cases, be protected from their parents.
Without legal access to abortions, some adolescent girls will seek out illegal abortions or try and perform one themselves.

This last point must be avoided at all costs. Parental notification laws leave girls who most need society's help and support out in the cold. It is absolutely legitimate for abortion providers to encourage and support teenage girls in open conversation with their parents or another trusted adult.

The next step beyond parental NOTIFICATION laws are parental CONSENT laws. Parental consent laws are so outside the bounds of reasonableness that they should not even be discussed in polite company. To allow a parent to make the choice that their daughter must take a pregnancy to term is so vastly inappropriate I am almost unable to address the issue coherently. In Texas, we have a parental consent law. The closest place without such a parental notification or consent law is New Mexico. (Find out more about the state of abortion in your state.)

The thing is, I was born in 1979. I grew up in a post Roe vs. Wade world. I have always known, without a question of a doubt, that I and I alone control my reproductive system. Parental notification and consent laws undercut this most basic truth I have grown up taking for granted. Women of all ages have the sacred right and responsibility to give birth to and raise children only according to their means and ability at a given time.

So bravo, New Hampshire, for returning reproductive control squarely where it belongs: in the hands of individual women, regardless of their age.

Daily Condom Commercial #9

2007-07-02T05:10:00.001-06:00

The last commercial in this delightful series. Americans run funny, engaging commercials on every other topic - I wish we could run them on safe sex too!

Teen girls in South Africa teaching soccer

2007-06-29T05:45:00.000-06:00

The Washington Post is devoting some of their space to a group of teenage girls to blog about their experience in Africa. Here's the intro:

What happens when 11 Washington area high school girls, the picture of health and privilege, travel 8,000 miles to South Africa to teach soccer to girls their own age, all of whom know the downward drag of poverty and many of whom will be infected with AIDS or are living with someone who is? What happens when they sit around a fire and talk about self-image and sexuality with girls more open to those conversations than they are?

It's a pretty interesting read.

(And don't miss the second in the condom commercial series just below this post!)

Daily Condom Commercial #8

2007-06-29T05:44:00.001-06:00

The second out of three! See below for the previous one...and come back on Monday for the grand finale!

Daily Condom Commercial #7

2007-06-28T10:24:00.001-06:00

This is the first in a series, folks, so come back tomorrow for the girl's perspective!